


You're the flame behind my eyes

by sunnysideup



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Kind of based on the film The Proposal, M/M, fake engagement, or at least inspired by it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 06:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 29,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7032928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysideup/pseuds/sunnysideup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I said I know now why you never asked why I said yes, and that's fine Liam, I get it now, you never cared'</p><p>Liam is Zayn's boss.   He asks Zayn to pretend he's engaged to him for a weekend at his parents' - This is what comes next.</p><p>Or another fake engagement AU - Inspired just a little bit by the film 'The Proposal'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started off writing this as a prompt. It was done as a one shot but then I decided to expand on it, and here we are, the full version. The title is inspired by 'I'm a mess' by Ed Sheeran, the lyrics are spot on really for this story. 
> 
> I have to say a huge thank you to Sabrina for suggesting 'I'm a mess' as a possible inspiration for the title which is big enough already but also and so importantly for being so supportive, reading it so quickly for me and being honest and just never failing to be encouraging and even coaxing me out of my pre posting this fic meltdown this evening. She’s quite amazing and I’m indebted to her plus she’s an amazing and supportive friend in every other way. 
> 
> Huge thanks too to Tia, Joey, Gabby, Cami, ilo, Sarah, Jasmine, Ayesha and everyone else who has been so positive and supportive, it means so very much, you'll never know quite how much it means to me. 
> 
> It starts off with a Liam POV and then switches to Zayn and so on through the fic. 
> 
> Any spelling or any other errors are mine alone. So nervous as always in posting this. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> *

“Explain it to me again -  _why_  do we need to pretend to be married?”

Liam glances to the man sat next to him.   The only surprise about the question is why he left it till now, till they’re taxi-ing up the runway.  

He holds up a finger signaling for Zayn to wait.  And that’s when it dawns on him, when he sees Zayn’s smirk and its suddenly no surprise at all that Zayn left it till now, they’ve flown together on business before often enough that he’d know that this was Liam’s favourite part of flying. 

He knew he should’ve asked Andy.   Or anyone basically, just not him.

Zayn sighs dramatically but says nothing else mercifully, he lets Liam enjoy the feeling as the plane speeds up and then lifts off from the runway, and as they rise higher, he feels his ears pop and he sighs contentedly.    He doesn’t even know why he loves it so much. Flying that is.  Perhaps it’s the novelty, the appreciation that he didn’t get to do all this when he was a kid.  And now he does it so regularly, he even has frequent flyer miles, even gets upgraded sometimes when he’s not already in business class of course.

Zayn’s loud put upon sigh interrupts his thoughts.  ‘Li, not being funny but this flight isn’t even a long one and soon we’ll be getting ready for landing and you’ll be clapping your hands like an excited seal at that point so any chance you could maybe explain to me why we need to pretend to be married?’

Liam wants to protest at the description of him being like an excited seal, but in all honesty he realises it’s very accurate and if he did protest, Zayn will probably murder him so instead he shifts in his seat a little to face him.

‘Mate, we’re not pretending we’re married, it’s just an engagement’ even to his own ears it still sounds mental.  Even though he says ‘just’ he knows its way more than ‘just’ and he’s expecting Zayn to refuse to go through with it at any time.

And yet here he is.  Still.

‘But why do we even have to pretend?’

And Liam’s been through all this before, though come to think of it, that was probably just in his head, so he rakes a hand through his hair,  fingers lingering at the top and he can almost hear his mum’s sigh and the smack of her hand to tell him to stop ‘otherwise you’ll go bald Liam’ and he explains.

‘They were dead accepting of me when I came out to them Zayn, they were and I think the girls having fellas and then Nic having children took the pressure off, but it’s been 3 birthdays now, 3 birthdays and 2 Christmases for Mum since I took someone home and even then that was just for a couple of hours, and this time round she didn’t even ask, she just sounded so resigned and I wanted her to be proud of me, to fe-‘

‘You’re Head of a Division Liam’  Zayn interrupts him and he sounds gob smacked to be honest ‘Not only that, you’ve got a load of friends, you’ve won countless awards for innovation and you’re smart, and yet despite all that you’ve never stepped on anyone to make it to where you are, you’re you, surely that’s enough?’

He’s aware of opening and closing his mouth several times and no words coming out, that doesn’t happen to Liam.  He’s always had an answer for everything, able to get himself out of anything, well except this situation, but it surprises him okay?  

He didn’t know Zayn from Adam before he’d walked in the meeting room for the interview 3 years ago and yet even before he’d sat down, Liam had put the tick in the box.  

And they’d had drinks after work to celebrate deals that had been done, stuff that Zayn had designed had won awards and he’d been there to toast that success, and they’d got drunk together, them and Andy and all the team that he’d known since he walked in that building as a fresh faced and far too eager 21 year old 6 years ago, and yet they’d never actually properly talked.

On the one hand he knows that what Zayn says isn’t huge, it’s not some grand gesture or some huge declaration of anything, its nothing other than just something throwaway to say about someone you work with but he said it with something approximating real sincerity, and the corners of his lips tilt upwards, no more smirking and the hand that briefly touched his arm as he did returns to his arm again now, albeit this time matched by a look of concern.

And he realises he hasn’t replied. ‘They’re proud Zayn, they’re so proud, it’s just that when I said I had someone and I don’t even know why I did so yeah I’m an idiot, but when I said that I did, and that I was bringing someone, she sounded prouder than I’ve heard her, relieved and so happy and I just got carried away then and well, here we are’  He’s blushing and he feels like an idiot ‘Listen, I’ll pay for you to get a flight straight back home and I’ll explain everything to Mum and Dad, it’ll be fine’

It won’t, he can almost see her face fall with disappointment now, and the attempts to cover it up and it won’t be because she’s mad, it’s just that she doesn’t want him to be alone, she doesn’t want him to be consumed by this job, ‘married to it’ and the thing is neither does he.

But Zayn’s shaking his head when he turns back to him, and before he can say anything else, the seatbelt sign goes on again and he realises he didn’t even take his off and the pilot announces ‘Cabin crew, take your seats for landing’ and then Zayn says it, it’s ever so faint but he says it nevertheless.

‘You never asked me why I said yes’

Oh.

**

They get out to the arrivals lounge within 10 minutes, just before they do Zayn stops and he reaches into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out the ring Liam had bought in a panic in Argos the day before, just a cheap ring, only cost £20 but he needed to make it seem vaguely authentic, and Zayn puts it, grinning as he does and holds out his hand to look at it.

‘Suits me Liam, you know how to spoil your fiancé’  and he says it in that teasing way Liam’s quietly fond of, and that he’d be probably be mad about if anyone else did it, but from Zayn he’s not mad at all.

As they get out to the arrivals hall, he’s there waiting for them.  Liam does a double take as he sees him. The dyed blonde hair is the natural brunette from school now, it suits him, the smile hasn’t changed a bit though.

‘Nialler’ his name gets lost in the crush of the arms wrapped round him but he doesn’t mishear the ‘You’re a dark horse’ in his ear before his best mate pulls away.

He blushes again. Liam’s got a funny feeling that a lot of this weekend will be spent blushing.

Zayn stands there, eyes flicking between them both and they stand in silence for a moment, an awkward silence too, until Niall sniggers and then says ‘As good at introductions as ever Payno then’ but he places a hand on Liam’s arm as he does to take away any sting in his words, and he realises that a lot of people do that to him.

Take the sting away, touch and reassure him.  Those that matter anyway, and so what does that say about Zayn?

He shakes his head as if to clear the thought from his brain but while he does so, Zayn’s chuckling a bit and then reaching a hand forward to Niall’s outstretched one and introducing himself.

‘Zayn, Liam’s fiancé’

‘Yeah yeah, still can’t get my head round that but pleasure to meet you man’ It sounds sincere and Liam knows Niall James Horan well enough to know that it  _is_  sincere.  ‘I’m Niall, failed musician, successful footballer albeit with a dicky knee and this one’s right arm since we were 11 though not in the dodgy sense’

Zayn laughs. It’s a rich sound, a sound that he’s grown used to over the years, but this time its different, more relaxed.

‘And what do _you_ do?’  Liam knows what’s coming even before his best mate finishes the question.  ‘Except for our Liam that is?’

He hates his friend.

That laugh comes again, except this time with a sort of embarrassed rub of his neck and chin.  ‘I work with Liam, or for Liam, designer, artist, basically I get paid a lot of money for designing things I’d happily spend my spare time doing’

Liam interrupts and he can’t stop the pride in his voice, he can hear it and he sort of cringes, he probably should feel embarrassed, but at least it fits the bill of proud fiancé and praising Zayn is something Liam can do in his sleep.

‘He’s so much more than that Niall, best designer we’ve ever had, won countless awards, star of the show and honestly I’m blagging it while Zayn does all the hard work’.

He stops talking as Niall shakes his head at him, but he’s grinning, and then he’s leaning forward, and he squeezes one of Liam’s cheeks while he does the same to Zayn who actually lets him.

‘You two are going to drive me insane this weekend with all this fond and cuteness’ He gestures towards the car park and they start walking towards it before he throws a ‘and I couldn’t be happier’ in their direction.

Zayn grins at Liam, puts his thumbs up and well, maybe it’ll be alright after all.

**

The journey to his mum and dad’s from the airport takes them through country then the busier suburbs of the city and then soon they’re dotting through country again with curved roads and slopes, green fields and hills everywhere you look. 

He realises when they’re about 2 miles away that he should’ve explained that his mum and dad don’t live in some 2 up 2 down anymore, that the first thing he’d done when he sold some shares and had pooled together his first couple of bonuses, his savings plus a portion of the money they got from the sale of the old house, was to buy them this place. 

Not a mansion by any means, but for them and from where they came from, it’s practically a palace, or that’s what his mum says.

It’s in a village, 9 miles from where he was brought up but it might as well be a million miles away, 5 bedrooms, with just under an acre of garden to get lost in, the nearest house is down a lane a few hundred yards away, and there’s a stream nearby which ducks swim in and wild animals visit, and drink from and it’s just everything his mum described to him in stories when he was a kid and if he does nothing else in his life, and if it all ended tomorrow.  At least he did this.

When he’s not distracted, he listens to Zayn and Niall in the front seat, talking as if they’d known each other years not minutes, and he hears Niall ask about Zayn’s family, and he knows the basics but he didn’t know that he paid the deposit on a new home for his mum and dad and sisters, with his first bonus, and he didn’t know that rather than go abroad each year on holiday, his extravagances are paying for holidays to Disney, the finest hotels, for his family.  

And he didn’t know they had that much in common.  And it stops him in his tracks, in a way it makes him question everything, he always thought he was a good boss, someone that listened, and yet perhaps it was just listening for listening’s sake.  And for the umpteenth time since he thought of this, since Andy reassured him it was a) a good idea and that b) he definitely should ask Zayn, he questions whether it wasn’t just stupid but unfair.

But then again Zayn said, he hadn’t asked him why he said yes.  So maybe he will, just not this century.

They’re waiting by the door as Niall turns the corner.   His mum, dad and his sisters, and he’s in no doubt that the kids are inside and he goes to take a deep breath, but he stops as he sees Zayn take one, and his fingertips worry at his hair, his hair that’s shorter than it has been in a while, but long enough where it sticks up at all kinds of angles when he’s been dashing into work in the morning and hasn’t had time to apply wax to it, and he doesn’t miss the fact that Zayn’s hand trembles slightly as it drops down onto his lap before he undoes his seatbelt and then he’s getting out the car so Liam does the same.

He feels the hand reach out for his as they walk to the front door, and as his mum drags his dad out to meet them arms outstretched, calloused fingers, the fingers that have won awards with the talent in them touch  _his_  hand and he has to stop himself from thinking how natural and how normal it all feels.  When he hears the words, meant just for him and at least it does the trick, brings him back to earth ‘Fake it to make it Liam, right?’

**

They sit in the living room, and he thinks it’d take an asteroid to wipe off Karen’s smile as she sits next to Zayn, she can’t take her eyes from him.  Geoff grumbles good naturedly as she’s slow in refilling his cup and as Nic admonishes him calling him a ‘lazy so and so’ for not refilling it himself.

And Zayn sits there, taking it all in, like he’s been there forever, like he’s part of the furniture and as though this isn’t an act.

Liam watches as his sisters ask questions, which Zayn answers about himself and then answers questions about Liam and he surprises Liam _again_ with all he knows, talk about their lives, as Laura clambers up Liam’s legs and then plonks herself on her Uncle’s lap while Jack does the same with Zayn’s legs but then stumbles and Zayn’s hand reach out for his and then he’s pulling him up and he strokes Jack’s golden hair and it looks so normal.  Just like everything today so far, except it’s not.

A few minutes later and Liam’s in the kitchen, refilling the tea and placing some more cake on a plate when Ruth joins him.  She’s all furtive glances, and elbows into his side, and knowing smiles.

‘You kept him quiet Li’ 

Five words but loaded with meaning and now’s his chance, the chance to tell someone, to admit his mistake and free Zayn from the lie and just get out of here and hope his mum can forgive him in the next but one lifetime at least.  Instead he shrugs and blushes.

She dips a finger in the chocolate icing of the cake Liam just put out on the plate and then just before she licks at it, she smiles ‘He’s amazing and Mum loves him’ and then her eyes well up and her arms are flung round his neck.  ‘I’m so happy you have someone and someone like him’

He’s an idiot.  This is the worst thing he’s ever done.

**

‘Come on, we’ve been patient long enough and your mum’s gonna explode if someone doesn’t ask so out with it one of ye, who proposed, how did you do it and all that malarkey?’  The moment the words leave Niall’s lips, the chorus of ‘yes tell us’ rises and echoes round the room and as Liam looks round, his sisters have put down their cups on the table in front of them, Tom stops building the Jenga tower, while Graham shushes the kids who are rolling on the floor fighting now and well, his mum, his mum looks exactly like Niall said, like she’ll explode.

Liam opens his mouth but then a Yorkshire accent starts speaking.

‘You know how the moment you walk into a room at a party, it can be the most boring one you’ve ever been to, until that someone walks in the room, and you know they’re the one you’ve waited for all your life, well that’s Liam and it happened on a Sunday, yeah, it happened on a Sunday’    The words die out and he licks at his lips and he pulls at the loose thread on his trousers.

‘Come on Zaynie’ Zayn’s eyebrows quirk slightly at the use of his nickname, the name everyone’s called him since he joined the company, everyone except Liam. ‘You’re not going to steal my thunder’  

It does the trick and all eyes are on him and well here goes nothing. 

 ‘It  _was_  a Sunday, just like any other Sunday since I met Zayn, except that’s doing him a disservice, cos nothing’s been the same since Zayn walked into that room, put his batman bag down, tipped his drawings onto the table and said ‘hire me’ and I was powerless to say no, because Zayn does that to you, and its without you even knowing it, it’s subconscious, one minute you’re a Manager of a team that’s doing okay, that has the potential for so much but just doesn’t  _quite_  get there, and then the next minute, you’re sat in the Café Royal at an awards dinner and you’re head of a division and the reason that you’re there is right next to you, smiling and applauding and encouraging you all the way, cos nothing is possible without him, and then you have too much to drink and you’re a lightweight and everyone knows it and he’s making sure you get home safely and he’s opening the door of the taxi and he’s taking you to the front door and your lips meet, and you wake up the next morning and your arm goes across your face and you feel so embarrassed and of course he’s not there, except then you hear his voice shouting ‘Breakfast’s ready’ and he _is_ there and he never leaves your side,  he does that each morning, even when he’s up to his eyes in deadlines which you set for him, he’s there and you suddenly can’t remember a time when he wasn’t there next to you, when he wasn’t that face you don’t ever want to be without each morning’

He pauses for a moment. 

‘And then one day, you think that maybe you need to make it formal, because someone like Zayn they don’t stay single for long, they don’t stay around someone like me for long unless you make it real, show how much you care, so that’s why one Sunday, you call in a thousand favours and you make sure that a part of your favourite museum that just so happens to be doing an exhibition about Marvel comics stays open for just a few hours afterwards, and you find a few doodles in the bottom of a drawer that you forgot you had, and you use that bit of talent that hasn’t entirely gone unforgotten that you had at school to create some more, and you remember that his favourite flower is a rose and that his favourite colour is purple and that’s yours as well and it’s another reminder that there couldn’t be anyone out there in this world as magical as he is and you owe it to yourself to at least try, and there’s lights that flicker and they’re yellow and they’re blue, and they’re red and they’re yellow and they’re green, they’re all the colours of the rainbow and then he walks in the room and you’re lost for words and so is he, and all you can see is those lips, that you’ve traced with your fingertips a thousand times, those lips you’ve kissed with your own in your sleep, in your dreams, and you finally stop being an idiot, and you ask and, well here we are’

He stops.   Shrugs and it’s silent and he wonders for a moment did he imagine what he just said, and he’s sure he did until he hears someone say ‘Wow’ yet he doesn’t care.   All he sees is him and its then that Liam realises he’s not taken his eyes off Zayn all this time.   How’s he noticing him like it’s for the first time and then Zayn’s mouth starts to move and it’s just a few words.

 ‘And  _that’s_  why I said yes’

 **

 ‘Nice speech’ 

Liam puts down the washing up brush, raises his eyes to the ceiling but doesn’t turn round.

 ‘Remind me again of when it was you got engaged?’

Niall joins him at the sink and picks up the tea towel that’s next to where the dishes are draining.

Liam says nothing, just continues washing.  Niall’s always been too smart, too switched on and right now he hates it, even though there’s a feeling of relief that’s at war with the sick feeling in his stomach.

‘Thing is I bought it all,  I was running with it right up till the point you stopped talking and you looked like someone had just punched you in the stomach, you looked stunned and yet you were the one who said those words Liam, not anyone else, _you_ ’

He says it gently, and there’s no judgement at all, and in a way that makes it worse, that feeling again that everyone treats him like he’s fragile and about to break at any moment.

Right now, there’s a part of him that wants to deny it all, bluff everything, maintain the lie but its Niall. And he swears Niall knows him better than he knows himself sometimes.

So he puts the washing up brush down, and he turns to face Niall while Niall dries the dishes.

‘Just please don’t tell them, let me do it, and I will I just need to figure out how to do it’

Niall says nothing for a couple of minutes but it feels like forever, and then he sets the tea towel down and faces Liam.

‘Of course I won’t tell them you idiot,  not my place to anyway, the hardest thing in the world Liam is to accept yourself and accept that we’re here for you, single, loved up, divorced 12 times or married to whoever, we’d still love you and  the thing I want most for you Liam is for you to realise that’

He pauses.

‘The worst thing is that I feel like we’re failing you somehow and that we aren’t quite doing enough to prove to you how much we love you, and how it doesn’t matter and you’ve never had to pretend about anything or anyone, not to us anyway’

He stops talking and its silent for a moment, till a ripple of laughter that turns into a roar fills the kitchen having swept from the lounge.

Liam finds himself wanting to go and see, wanting to join in and his feet want to move and he tells himself it’s because it’s the laughter, the affection and the love that’s always been in his family, the gentle nudge on his lower back pushes him closer to the door, and he peers through the small pane of glass.

Zayn’s not on the settee anymore, he’s on the ground, and the kids are climbing all over him, and Nic keeps pulling the children off him but it’s like Zayn is the honey and they’re the bees as they’re drawn to him again and again.

He feels a smile pull at his own lips, and he wants to stop it, because he’s well aware that he’s in over his head, why he doesn’t know, but it’s an unfamiliar feeling whatever this is, and it’s like he’s on the edge of a cliff and that if he takes a step forward, its either pain or something else, something he can’t quite put a name to, perhaps it begins with H but that’s so unlikely he refuses to entertain it.

Or he turns round, takes the safe option, walks away and in a year or two’s time he’ll be back here again if he’s ever allowed back here that is and while the life that he knows may not be perfect, at least it’s what he’s used to.

It’s when Zayn’s eyes catch him looking, it’s when the crinkle of his eyes and the soft smile make his stomach flutter in a way that’s so unfamiliar that he knows.

He knows before he even takes a step backwards, even before he turns his gaze away, even before he shrugs Niall’s hand from his shoulder and hears ‘Liam, don’t do this’ that of course he’ll take a step back.  

And he doesn’t need the disappointment in Niall’s voice to tell him what he already knows. Has always known.

What’s the point in fighting it?

**

‘You’re like a walking fucking cliché Payno’  

He thought a long time ago that Niall had some kind of tag buried under Liam’s skin when he was asleep one night, and being found by Niall  _again_ makes him even more certain he’s not just being paranoid.

That or he’s watched too many conspiracy theory videos on YouTube and though he’s a fair distance from the house, he’s not exactly hidden himself away as he sits on one of the benches in the small village square, opposite the pub. 

His best mate stands in front of him now, shaking his head and then says ‘Shove up’ so Liam does, making room for him.

‘Though I have to say thank you for making the search easy with the pub just being there, but honestly mate, what gives?’  

Liam shrugs so Niall does one of the things he does best, he fills any void, any silence.  

‘You must’ve known what you were getting yourself into, and you’ve worked with the lad for 3 years right, so you must know him, and do you realise how often today you’ve finished each other’s sentences, that’s why we were all so convinced, why I was,  _even me_ , the way you look at each other and you had me fooled with the engagement story right up till you finished’  

‘We do not’ Liam starts indignantly.

‘Do not what?’  

‘We don’t finish each other’s sentences and even if we do, it’s only cause we work so closely together, and we have to look at each other for our jobs, we have to get agreement from the other and we have to read what the  other is thinking when we’re in front of investors or whoever and they ask awkward questions, we have to know what the other is thinking and if we hadn’t sussed that out long ago, we’d be working in god knows where right now’

‘You trying to convince me or you here Liam?’  

‘You of course I me-‘ and he’s about to launch into another defence of how they’re just workmates honest when Niall shakes his head.

‘All you’re doing right now Payno is making things a whole lot more confused, a whole lot more awkward and a whole lot more of me getting colder and just that little bit hungrier and we know that never ends well’  

He stands up and holds a hand out to Liam and he knows its futile to resist so he lets Niall pull him up and he expects Niall to drop his hand, but he doesn’t instead he places his other one on top of Liam’s.  

‘Whatever all  _this_ is Li in the wider scheme of things, all  _this is,_ is one weekend of your entire lifetime, you know I’m never going to spill the beans or make anything awkward for you and if all this is, is some way of making your mum happy for a couple of days then go for your life but just please, just this once open your eyes and trust that sometimes it’s worth taking one of those risks that you’ve made an everyday thing in your working life and doing it for you and you alone’ he pauses ‘just try and get it into your head that you’re allowed to be happy, you deserve that much, trust me on this’

He hates that Niall’s right.  He hates that he can see logic in everything he says, he hates that he’s too afraid to act on it.  But he chooses not to dwell on the fear that’s coursing through him right now.

‘Who died and made you so wise?’  

Niall scoffs and drops his hand moving it to Liam’s face ‘I’m you, just younger, prettier, wiser’ and then as he drops his hand from Liam’s face and the other from Liam’s hand, he starts to walk away, increasing in speed as he adds ‘oh and well better at sex’

Correction. He hates Niall. Full stop.

**

Where on earth have you two been?’  His mum says and she reaches out a hand and then pats next to her on the settee ushering Geoff to move out the way as she does, as soon as he and Niall walk into the lounge.

He joins her, and she’s wrapping an arm round him, and just like that he feels like he’s a kid again, as he leans into her and she strokes his hair.   It feels normal.

‘I’m so happy that you’re happy’ she murmurs it softly, loud enough only for him to hear he thinks, he winces, and as he does he catches Zayn’s eye.  Zayn who offers a sympathetic smile before he’s distracted by Nic who’s asking him a question.

The worst thing is that it all feels so normal, it’s like everything is in its place suddenly. A natural order and yet every time he feels like that, he reminds himself, that _he_ did this.  That it’s his choice and his bed and he has to lie in it, and he’s not an 11 year old who didn’t know the consequences of kicking a ball in the air in a gale so where it landed in Mrs Mayer’s kitchen after smashing a hole through the window.

But something distracts him and time moves on, he and his Mum talk about everything, his Dad listens in from the chair opposite and he talks a bit about the Baggies and how they’re doing and he talks about the marrows growing in the garden and how he can’t let them go home without taking a load of strawberries and tomatoes and potatoes, and then its night time and his Mum’s ordered a load of pizzas and after they’ve demolished them and the kids are in bed, they break out the Jenga again and he and Niall and Zayn team up against his Mum, Dad and Ruth and then Graham, Tom and Nic and of course his team wins because they always do.  

And then they settle on the settees, the armchairs or the floor, and they crack open the wine and Liam finds himself sitting in front of Zayn and he’s sure he’s imagining it when he feels fingertips touch his neck then settle on his shoulders, and stay there just a few too many seconds to be an accident, to be mistaken and he should nudge the fingers off, should move to the other side of the room and maybe it’s the wine that’s made him lazy, yeah that’s it he decides.  

And he takes another sip from the glass, avoiding Niall’s gaze all night, and when Zayn’s fingertips rest on his neck for a while, only to leave, to fall away , he tries to disguise the shudder as they do and the disappointment that he feels in the pit of his stomach.

**

It’s almost enough to sober him up completely when at 4am and they’re heading up the stairs, he realises that there aren’t enough bedrooms for separate rooms for him and Zayn, and why would there be?

‘You’re in the room at the end of the corridor’ Karen starts to giggle from the top of the stairs as she leans into Geoff  ‘We thought it was best to put you at the other end of the house to everyone else’ and then she taps her nose exaggeratedly and is 27 too late to be adopted Liam wonders?

‘Sleep well you two and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do’ and then as she disappears out of sight ‘OR DON’T DO ANYTHING I WOULD’  

He rolls his eyes in her direction then turns round, knowing he’s blushing but he’s grateful that while his mum probably just woke up the whole village never mind the house with her shouting, it’s just Zayn and everyone else is in bed.

Zayn who’s leaning against the wall, hands gripping onto the stair rail for grim death almost.  Zayn who’s looking at Liam right now, a lazy smile on his face.

‘Y’alright?’ he says, and his Yorkshire accent is more pronounced than he’s heard it before, it’s got steadily more noticeable as the night wore on, and he’s never noticed it before, not like this and it’s not even as though it’s the first time they’ve been blind drunk in each other’s company.

Liam nods in response. ‘Listen, you take the bedroom, and I’ll take one of the settees I’ll just set the alarm nice and early and come and lie in the bed with you and just keep me clothes on, make it less awkward and that’  

He’s babbling now.  And he isn’t even aware that Zayn’s moved up the stairs till he’s stood in front of him and he’s placing a finger on Liam’s mouth to shut him up.  

‘Don’t be soft, come on’  and then he’s holding a hand out which Liam stares at, and every voice in his head is telling him to not take it, to run downstairs and sleep on the settee and for the sake of his sanity he needs to do that.

‘Please Liam, if you don’t hold my hand I’m that sozzled, am gonna fall over and topple down these stairs and break me neck’  

He doesn’t need to ask again.   And he doesn’t question why his hand fits like a glove in Zayn’s.   He doesn’t and for that read, he mustn’t, because he’s scared of what happens if he does.  

**

Everything dawns on him again, hits him the moment they walk in the door, the moment they face the bed, and the reality of it all sets in.

It’s a king size bed, and on it are towels formed into the shape of hearts, a legacy of Ruth’s work in hospitality in the big luxury hotel she’s worked in since she left college, and on the bed are rose petals and he wants the ground to swallow him up.

‘They’re happy for you Liam, just focus on that’  

And then the fingertips of the hand that’s still in his brush against his thumb and he takes a breath, before he moves his hand away and mutters a quiet ‘thanks’.

It feels like he hasn’t drunk in years, never mind a couple of bottles between him and Zayn in the last however many hours.

Zayn moves across to the bed, and presses a hand against it, placing the towel from his side of the bed behind him on the bedside table, and sweeping some of the petals out the way, and then sits down.

‘Nice and springy’ he quirks an eyebrow at Liam, smirking as he does.

Liam tries to smile, he does but he’s sure it resembles something more like a constipated hippo or something like that as Zayn’s smirk drops and he stands up, and he softly says ‘Relax Liam’

Liam’s not a shy lad.   He’s been a member of a gym for years and while he’s never been of these men who walk round stark bollock naked and scratch their balls for the whole gym changing room to see, he’s been on football teams and stag do’s where they prance round naked all the time, so he’s no prude, he’s no wallflower.  Far from it and yet…

‘I’ll sleep on the floor Li, its fine’

‘You won’t’ and his voice rises as he says it, and he wonders why he’s making it so awkward for them both.  

‘Leeyum, it’s nothing we’ve not seen of each other before’ there’s a soft laugh as Liam feels himself blink because WTF?  

‘You know when we did team building, just after I started and we all shared that tent in that stupidly cold part of Wales and everyone thought it was great till a gale started and we all thought we’d die of hypothermia and so the leader told us all to sit together, to strip off and just lie together and share our body heat’

Zayn pauses.  ‘Or was that one of my fantasies?’  And he grins, biting his lip.  

Somewhere in Liam, a shift begins but he tries to ignore it.  

‘No that was real, and I’d forgotten that even happened’ and just like Liam said in that story of how Zayn said yes, he just made it better again, just made everything feel okay, feel normal.

Just like Zayn’s done since the moment he walked in that interview room.

And so he starts to take his clothes off till he’s just in his boxers, and he throws the clothes haphazardly onto the floor behind him, then he turns, and okay, he was lying, he hadn’t forgotten that Wales happened, at all.  But that was pitch black, that wasn’t like this, that was fighting to make sure no one snuffed it, not this. Not now.

And he knew that Zayn had tattoos, it’s not as though he ever told him to hide them, but it still stops him, and he realises that he never saw the wings before, or the lips on his chest and then as he turns, he sees the fantail tattoo at the base of his neck, the top of his spine.

It’s like it’s not him as Liam moves closer, as he licks at his own lips without even knowing he’s doing it, as he feels something stir, feels his body react and imagines his lips peppering the back of Zayn’s neck, and hands turning him round and touching the wings before their lips find each other and his hands caress every part of Zayn’s upper body, as Zayn’s hands do the same and as his teeth catch on Zayn’s lips till they pull away from each other, though his hand remains on Zayn’s lower back.  

And he realises it’s not his imagination, Zayn’s in front of him, and he’s smiling, a sort of half smile but a smile nevertheless, and he’s tilting his head and he’s breathing hard, and Liam knows he is as well. 

it’s all kinds of wrong and an alarm in is head is accompanied by a cacophony of sirens and things that tell him that what they’re doing now, what they’ve  _done_  already even though it’s just kissing and not much else, it’s changed everything and nothing can be the same and there’s a part of him that wants to find all the clocks in the house, all the clocks everywhere and turn back time, reverse everything to the moment he thought all this was a good idea.

But the trouble is there’s a bigger part of him now that wants this.  That needs this.  Craves this even. But it’s not fair, he knows that and he wouldn’t be Liam if he wasn’t the one to do the good thing, to act like the mature one.

So he drops his hand and mumbles ‘sorry Zayn’ and he turns away, till a hand stops him and then Zayn’s in front of him, and he’s talking fast and it’s as though he knows he’s running out of time, it’s as though everything he knows what he’s about to say has to count.  

‘This is the most stupid thing we’ll probably ever do, and I know that you’re thinking that too, but tell me this Liam, tell me why despite thinking that, it feels like if we don’t, I’ll walk out of here and regret it for the rest of my life, but then tell me why it also feels like if we do it, do this, whatever _this_  turns out to be, we’ll regret it too, and finally tell me why I’ve never wanted anything more than this right now, you, and fuck it babe, for this weekend only, we’re us, you and me, engaged or whatever, and for some reason, it feels like the most normal thing we can ever do, it feels like everything you said all those hours ago, changed everything’

‘I’m sorry’

‘Shut the fuck up Liam Payne, for once, and let me say this in plain English, I’m saying that right now there’s nothing I want more than you, and fuck the consequences, fuck whatever it means for us, screw whatever it means for our lives, I need this and I’m willing to bet you do too’

There’s a moment when he thinks he’ll bottle it, when he tries to recall when the first plane will be heading back to home, when he tries to calculate how long it will take him to walk to the airport, when he thinks of how far he’s come and how he’s managed 6 years at the company without fucking up once, and how he’s okay being single, and that fake engagements are the worst idea anyone’s ever had.

The trouble is that as he thinks those last thoughts, he turns round and flicks the main light off, and then turns back to face Zayn and he’s illuminated by the stars and the night sky that’s shining bright with the full moon through the still open curtains and he doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything as incredible before in his life, and  maybe that’s the drink talking or maybe he’s just intoxicated by something or  _someone_ and the trouble is that he’s far beyond reasonable thought so as his hands reach for Zayn’s and their lips collide and they somehow make it to the bed, and he feels like he’s free and yet like every second that passes takes them somewhere he’s not sure he wants to go. 

The trouble is that he just doesn’t care.   

**

Just when Zayn thought nothing else could surprise him this weekend, he finds himself alone as he heads downstairs. 

And as he looks out the window of the kitchen and then walks to the fridge to get some juice, he figures it’s just the latest in what's becoming a weekend he hadn't bargained for. He looks through the cupboards and finds a glass and then pours the cranberry juice into it, and takes a sip, shuts the fridge door and wanders into the lounge, glass in hand and sits where he did last night.

The clock on the mantelpiece just below the large mirror says it’s just after 11am.   He and Liam went upstairs at just gone 4, and he figures they made it to sleep about an hour later.

One more thing surprises him, and that's that he's feeling as fresh as a daisy despite all the drink and the late night.

The thing that doesn't surprise him is the feeling of nervousness that takes a hold of his stomach as he looks round the room, as he's given time to think.

As he has time to think of just hours ago, of just them, in the end, not much happened, he doesn't think anyway, just a lot kissing, a lot of touching, and a lot of feeling like it was the most normal thing in the world and all he'd ever wanted.

But tiredness and something from nowhere, something he’s not sure of had got the better of them both.  And here and now he realises it’s for the best, but he doesn't have to like that feeling he tells himself, he doesn't have to like the fact that it feels like an opportunity missed.

He drains the remainder of the juice and places the glass on the table in front of him, from upstairs he can hear movement, and voices, but there’s no sign of them coming downstairs yet, so he stands up and walks over to the corner of the large lounge, and to the sideboard where's a multitude of pictures, some on the wall, some in frames on the surface.

It’s a combination of pictures of Geoff and Karen, then some of Jack and Laura and then various other assortments of their daughters with their other halves and then the 3 siblings together.  And there's a couple of Liam on his own, grinning at the camera, one that looks fairly new, or at least in the last year or two and he's got a Christmas jumper on and carving knife in one hand as he attacks the turkey about to cut slices, and he's got that grin that's so familiar to Zayn.

 And then the other is older, he's stood next to a car, a small one, one that even someone like Liam's who isn't exactly huge, looks like he dwarves it, his smile is bigger than the moon Zayn reckons and he's holding a pair of keys in one hand and then a certificate in the other.  He's got curly hair, and he almost looks like a different person if it wasn't for that smile.

'I don't know why they've kept that one out, there's way better pics of me than that'

Zayn turns round still holding the picture to face Liam who's stood leaning against the door to the lounge. He's smiling.  

'Then again I guess there's plenty worse’ he moves away from the door then and moves closer to Zayn who turns to put the picture frame down.

He says nothing for a moment, neither of them do, and Liam scuffs at the carpet with his feet.

'What happened last night, this morning I mean, you okay?'

Zayn finds himself nodding even though there's a part of him that thinks 'No I'm not okay, I wanted so much more,  I wanted to wake in your arms this morning and so so much more than that'

Liam edges closer 'Zayn?’

Zayn wants to do anything but look Liam right in the eyes, right this minute so he doesn't, instead he stares at the ground as he says.

'Yeah, 'm fine, probably for the best we didn't you know...' he trails off.

‘Yeah’ Liam says it once, and Zayn finds himself looking at him, because the way he says it reflects everything he's feeling, and maybe he's just projecting but that one word, and the inflection and how it feels sums up everything Zayn thinks.

‘Yeah’ Liam repeats it.  It's more certain this time, then he's walking away, a small smile at Zayn as he does.  And he's just about to follow him, and he doesn't even know why or what he's going to say, he just feels that pull, but then the sounds of feet heading down the stairs and the sounds of voices and laughter distract him.

But just before they enter the room, just before the moment fades, he finds himself looking at Liam, and Liam's looking right back at him, and there's this soft smile on his face, and it’s a smile that reaches his eyes and Zayn wonders.

**

The rest of the morning, the rest of the day is spent lazily, watching bad TV shows, eating leftover pizza, and chocolate ice cream, finding Liam sitting in front of him again on the floor even though there's other seats free.  Finding himself wanting to touch his neck, and wanting to rest his fingers on his shoulders. 

But resisting, right until everyone's distracted for a moment, or so he thinks and Liam casts a glance back at him just for a second and he rolls his shoulders and stretches his neck and then he winks at him, he fucking winks though as it's Liam, it’s more a blink than anything and fuck him because he's always found that adorable, and then Liam's glance turns away again and Zayn thinks 'why not?' and so his fingertips dance along his neck again and trail down to the top of his spine, and Liam takes a deep breath and he can feel him relax, and Zayn knows he's smiling, but it's only when he looks up and meets Niall's eyes. Niall who's got a mug of tea in his hand, and even as he lifts it up to take a sip, has this shit-eating grin on his face, it's only then that he can feel himself falling.

And perhaps he should move his fingertips away, perhaps he should quit while he's ahead, but he won't and he's not sure that's because he doesn't want to, or because he can't.  Either way he's screwed.

**

'So young man, tell us a bit more about yourself, about where you come from? ‘They’re in the back part of the huge garden, just him and Karen and Geoff, and Karen's been pointing out all the various different flowers and then the trees, but he knew it wasn't without reason or a purpose.

He gets why, because to Geoff and Karen, this is the man their son, their only son, their youngest child, has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, it makes all the sense in the world.

 And so he takes a deep breath, and he tells them.  

 'It’s fairly mundane really, just me and my sisters, and mum and dad, and it was a good childhood, didn't want for much, we didn't have much, but we still never wanted for anything, because while we may not have had all the latest toys, even then, even as kids, we were always taught that loving each other was the most important thing'

He smiles, and shrugs and its quiet for a moment, all he can hear is birds tweeting and the distant sound of laughter coming from inside the house. 

'You're the man our boy, our young man, has chosen to spend the rest of his life with Zayn, nothing you say will ever make us doubt you or think anything else of you other than wanting to know you better’ she pauses ‘I mean, to get to know the real you’

He stops staring at the ground and looks up then. The sincerity, every part of Liam that's kindness and light, and sunshine and honesty is mirrored in Karen's face right now, and then as he glances next to Karen at Geoff, there's a tentative smile on his face and a look that says 'Come on then son’ and it's the solidity, the protection and the security that is Liam that's reflected in Geoff.

'if I ever hear anyone say anything bad about where I come from, they'll never get any of my time again, but it wasn't easy, that’s what it can be like in cities like that I guess, but it was more than that, its living with the fact that you're part of a community growing up but even in that community you become aware that you're slightly different and then in school you start recognising that you aren’t entirely the same, and you start to doubt stuff and think you’re some kind of freak, just cos you’re that bit quieter, that it takes you that bit longer to trust people and that while some of your best friends are girls, they don’t know do for you what lads do, and meanwhile kids in school noticed and it's always kids that notice, and they give you a hard time and call you all kinds of names, and then they do it to your sisters because it’s not enough to attack you ever, and as long as it was just me I could deal with it but attack them and I react, and so I fought against it, too hard as it turned out, till I got excluded from some schools'

 He pauses for a moment but doesn't look up, he doesn't trust himself to, no one else knows this, not Liam, not anyone except at home, and it feels like in saying all this, he's never going to be able to go back on it, and there's a voice in his head saying 'but why are you even saying all this?'  And then the other voice is saying 'It had to come out sometime'

And he wants to stop those thoughts so he screws his eyes shut, and he thinks he's going to be okay, right till a hand places itself in his and he wants to shake it off, he does but then instead of doing that he places his other hand on top of it as if to cling on, and then with one more shaky breath, he carries on.

'And it's hard to stop yourself getting that reputation that you’re a negative influence on everything, that you’re trouble, it’s so hard, and everywhere I went that reputation followed me, until one day at the 4th school I was sent to and when they were on the verge of giving up, I found myself in art class, and I found myself relaxing and I found myself expressing how I felt, it was like all my anger, all me frustration went into art, and I just so happened to have the best teacher in the world, and he inspired me, so so much, he believed in me so much and changed my life so much I went to his funeral last year, and he's the voice in my head , the one that never doubted me, and yeah that’s who I am, that’s what formed me, what turned me into this person, for right or for wrong'

He stops, and he feels shaken, and he doesn't know why and even _this_ , it still isn’t everything, but it’s a start and its more than he ever intended to say and he starts to shiver and he can distantly hear Karen telling Geoff to 'go get Liam'

And he wants to tell her ‘No, don't get Liam, this has nothing to do with Liam and in fact why did I tell you all that?' 

But he doesn't.   Because he realises as he hears Geoff call Liam, and then Liam's there in seconds by his side, and his hand replaces Karen's in an instant and Zayn's breathing starts to calm and he's all kinds of confused that he reacted like this, but in his confusion he realises that something's shifted and he doesn't know if that's good, doesn't want to think about it.  Not right now, he just appreciates him being there.  

 Questioning and doubts can come later.  

 **

The laughter rings out around the pub as Tom finishes singing 'My way' and then does a theatrical twirl to finish.

They all stand up, Liam, Liam's sisters, Niall, Graham and Zayn and Zayn puts his thumb and forefinger in his mouth and whistles.

And the sound echoes.  As he pulls both away from his mouth, he finds Liam staring at him, in a kind of awed wonder.

 'I never knew you could do that'

'What, whistle?'

Liam nods.

'Its easy babe, I'll show you sometime’ He wonders when 'babe' became normal when speaking to Liam, how it replaced 'Li' or well 'Liam' but it feels absurdly normal.

Liam grins.  'I'd like that' and then he adds softly, like he's testing how the word feels around his lips, from his tongue, and his mouth.  'Babe'

Zayn's aware of his lips quirking into a smile, he's aware that his face is reddening just because he suddenly feels so warn and he's  just about to reply that he'd like that too, when Niall clears his throat and hands the booklet to Liam.

'When you two have quite finished’ he says, and he winks at Zayn.   'Time to pick a song Payno'

But Liam shakes his head.  'Uh uh, no way'  

'Oh come on Liam' says Ruth and then Nicola chimes in and she's the other side of Liam and nudging at him, and she's snatched the song booklet from Liam's hand and reading out an  assortment of songs, all of which are shit and all of which Zayn hopes he won't choose.

And Liam's rolling his eyes, and muttering 'No' and he just looks so unlike Liam, so uncomfortable and before he can think of a better idea, Zayn says 'Have they got Mirrors by Justin Timberlake?'

And Ruth starts rifling through the booklet and Liam mutters 'Zayn?'  and then Ruth's nodding and before he can think any better of it, Zayn stands up and he's talking to the DJ who stops the song and he's nodding and then he's handing him the mic, and its only then as he spotlight finds him, and he looks out at the pub, and he guesses there's only about 50 people here in total, but it may as well be a million.

'Ready kid?'  The DJ asks him and well the answer is 'No'

But he nods, and it starts up, and he's shaky at first, and he can't remember some of the lyrics, so he has to concentrate harder but he carries on and then he finds his confidence and it’s like he's going back in time, and to when singing was his escape, just like art.

And he's looking around the room, and people are whistling and clapping even as he's singing but it’s not like they want him to stop, it’s like they want him to continue and it’s like everything since he arrived in this place, like he's found a space that's perfect for him. 

It’s inevitable that he finds Liam's face, and how he focuses on it, and he's smiling and he's singing along and before he can stop himself, he gestures for him to join in and he expects him to shake his head but instead he's gesturing for Nic to get out the way and then he's up on the stage with him and he's about to give him the mic to share when the DJ jumps from where he's sat and hands a new mic to him, one that's got some red masking tape round it, and then he's singing 'It’s like you're my mirror, my mirror staring back at me' 

And he finds himself lowering his note, and then they're fucking harmonising and it carries on like that, like they're the perfect fit.

Until it stops.  And the look Liam gives him, this look of awe and this look of pride, and there’s a silence before the whistles start again and then the DJ's saying something and then he's handing them an envelope and Liam hands it straight to Zayn who looks at the writing '1st prize karaoke' and he opens it and its £20 and it’s not that he needs it, it’s more than that.

And Liam's leaning forward and while the applause continues to ring out, he's saying something and it sounds a lot like 'You're amazing, I love you'

But he knows it’s not.   But as Liam blushes as he turns away, and then glances back, shrugging but smiling.  

He's screwed in every way he can possibly think of.

Another few minutes pass by, and he buys a round with the winnings and Niall teases them and says they should go on X factor, and Niall should fuck off, though maybe it’s not the _worst_ idea.

And he's relaxed and in a way that he hasn’t been in so long when Liam leans into him.  'I've got an idea' he sort of slurs it, they've had a few drinks after all.  'You up for an adventure?'

He pulls his face away and then looks at Zayn and raises his eyebrows and grins.  

 ‘Fuck yeah’ is all Zayn says in response and then Liam's grabbing him by the hand, and he's saying 'Don't wait up'.

 He drags him by the hand up the street for a few hundred yards, and then he turns around and holds out a hand, and there's the sound of a bus pulling up, and the bus has the destination sign of 'Wolverhampton: CITY CENTRE' and they get on and Liam says quietly 'go find a seat’ while he pays for the tickets.

Old habits die hard and so he walks up to the very back of the bus, and the long bench, and Liam honestly has the whole bench to sit on but he walks right up and sits right next to Zayn. 

'What we doing Liam?'

'Just thought I'd take a trip down memory lane, give you a bit of a tour, hope you don't mind?'  He looks a bit unsure now, the bravado from the pub gone.

'Don't mind a bit Leeyum’  He isn’t lying. Liam's a closed book sometimes, what he knows about Liam, the real Liam, he could write on the back of a postage stamp though he's learned more about him this weekend than he could have imagined he ever would.

He realised a long time ago that Liam was one of those people that was an expert at making you feel like you'd known him for years, that undoubted warmth, that kind smile, when you didn't know him at all.

Liam smiles and then settles back.  They stare out the window as the countryside slowly turns into suburbia, and more housing springs up either side of the road.  

'You kept that quiet' Liam says it teasingly and Zayn knows he’s referring to the singing.

'Well right back atcha, maybe we should do what Niall said'

Liam laughs.  'We should never ever do what Niall says'

'You're probably right' 

They sit silently for a bit more than five minutes, it’s a companionable sort of silence, the type that they've always managed to have, even in the early days of knowing each other.

And Zayn can count on one hand, this ease that he has with anyone else.  

'Our stop next'  Liam interrupts his thoughts and then he's standing up and walking down the bus as it brakes and Zayn follows him and then the door opens and Zayn looks around him as the bus pulls away, they're on some kind of housing estate.

'This is where I was brought up, and born, well not quite born that was in a hospital but only just...cos the car broke down on the way and the ambulance got lost but that's another story' 

He smiles at Zayn, a sort of shy smile and then he holds a hand out which Zayn looks down at and there's a huge part of him that wants to grab it, feel it, and cherish that touch because he has this feeling, that they're on borrowed time and not in the worst sense, they're not about to drop dead or anything but still, there's a feeling that's inescapable right now, some kind of dread, but he tells himself not to think like that, and he tells himself to forget what went before, and his fingers wrap round Liam's.

 And if he never knew what warmth felt like before, he does now.

 It's a housing estate really, just like any other, it’s a night just like any other in the UK, except he's never been on a housing estate on a night like this with Liam.

 Liam talks of corners of streets where he'd fallen over on his bike, and phone boxes where he'd smoked his first cigarette and then a field that they walk across that backs onto a school, Liam's primary school and Liam points out a tree 'And that's where I had my first kiss'

He's overtaken with 2 thoughts.   1) Who?  2) Did they realise how lucky they were and okay well 3 thoughts and the third is one he wants more than ever right now, but he tries to distract himself by staring at the pigeon that's just behind Liam.

It’s why he doesn't notice Liam's lips and Liam's body close up on his, but he doesn't mishear Liam's words  before his lips cover Zayn's. 

'And its where I had my last kiss’ It’s the faintest of touches, the briefest of kisses, almost chaste but so perfect nonetheless, and then Liam's gone but he sing songs 'last kiss for now that is’ and then he's skipping up the path so that Zayn has to run to catch up and then their hands find each other again.

They carry on walking until they find a road, a cul-de-sac, and Liam walks up to one of the houses, number 7. 

'This is where I was brought up, complete with bunny curtains right till I left home' 

 It’s a semi-detached house, with a small front garden, and space for a car, it's quiet and there's a light on in the front room of Liam's old house and lights on upstairs and downstairs in all the other houses in the close, and it feels like somewhere you could call home. 

Liam's hand drops from Zayn's then as he walks up to the edge of the drive, and then turns round and glances at the pavement, the street light allowing him to see pretty well.

'Me and Nic and Ruth played hopscotch right at this point, we'd chalk out the court and write over it each year’ and then he crouches right down and inspects the tarmac. 

'One sure fire way of knowing the council isn't doing its job is the fact that I can still see the outline of it'  He smoothes his hand over the pavement and then pulls out his phone and zooms in, takes a couple of pictures and a video, and then stands up.

Zayn shivers involuntarily and he glances at his watch, it’s just gone half 10, and he's about to look up when he feels something warm surround his shoulders, its Liam's jacket.

'No Li, am fine'   And he shrugs it off holding it out for Liam.

'I'm fine Zaynie, you take it, sorry I hadn't realised it was so late’ and then as Zayn finishes shrugging into the jacket, he reaches his hand out again for Zayn's.

'Come on, the taxi office is only 5 minutes away' 

**

He thinks he'll remember all the best and worst moments of his life for always, and he's not sure how big the capacity is in his brain, and he's not a pessimist at all, it’s just that it seems unfair that his brain is occupied mainly by the worst moments of his life.

And its sod's law that what could, what should be comfortably stored as one of the best moments, no scratch that, the best weekend of his life, or one of them at least, turns on its head in a second.

After they walk inside the taxi office and Liam orders a cab for them, and the moment they sit down and wait, and a voice says 'Well fuck me if it isn't Liam Payne'

The moment Liam's hand drops from Zayn's is his first warning.   The moment Liam edges away from Zayn is his second. 

The moment his posture stiffens, his shoulders tense and his easy expression turns tense, and he stands up and holds out a hand, he knows it’s gone. 

What 'it' is exactly, he isn't sure yet. But he doubts there and then when it will ever return.

The guy's name is Ben apparently, and he's got this hard, dismissive and cruel air about him.   And it’s obvious Liam hates him, and it’s obvious he's distancing himself from Zayn even as Ben throws the odd glance to Zayn.

Liam does his best to avoid even glancing at Zayn.  And Zayn can just about make out him telling him what he does for a living, why he's up here and 'no he's not staying out for drinks tonight thanks Ben'

'That your boyfriend then?'  He says it loud enough that the other conversation from the other customers waiting for a cab in the room shut up. 

Liam glances at Zayn for just a second and Zayn could be mistaken, but it’s something to cling onto for what comes next.

'No, some guy I had to drag up here to do some art work and so I had to show him round’, that's fairly innocuous and Zayn almost starts to relax.

'I barely know him in truth'.

Zayn's heard the phrase 'like a kick in the teeth' or a 'punch to the stomach’ before without ever knowing how it felt.

He knows now, and as a cab driver appears at the door and says 'Taxi for Payne’ he stands up and follows the driver, not sparing a glance for Liam.

The journey passes in silence, but this time it’s not an easy silence, it’s not like it was an hour or two ago, and fuck is that it all it is?  Is that all the time it takes for something that felt good, to go down in flames?

He can't even bring himself to say anything, and the truth is that he doesn't even think he's got a right to be angry.   He knew the deal, he knew the score and in actual fact, Liam was right in what he said.

Except for the part about 'I had to drag him up here' and while the 'I barely know him' felt like anything but the truth before, Zayn realises it’s right, at least for him because he knows now that the Liam he'd always known, or though he'd known wouldn't have done this. Wouldn't have been so dismissive.

 And that's all on him, all on that arrogance, that sureness that his instincts were always right and yet as he tells himself this, as he glances across though just with his eyes so Liam can't see him looking at him, as he sees the distance and it’s not just physical, it’s in every way possible, as he tells himself he got it so wrong, there's still that voice in his head that says 'But don't be so sure, and don't give up on him'.

So he goes along with that voice, and he even tells himself it’s going to be okay, they just need to sleep on it, and even as they go into the house and Liam mechanically reaches a hand out to his but this time as his fingers close on Liam's, there's no warmth at all, he still believes and even as Liam says dully to everyone in the lounge 'We're tired, we're going to bed and I'd forgotten I've got a big meeting tomorrow'

Even as the disappointed voices of protest rise, and even as he catches Niall's eye and look of concern and confusion, even then he still clings onto some degree of hope.

It’s only when Liam comes out of the bathroom in their bedroom, sees Zayn sitting on the edge of the bed and for a moment looks unsure, and for a moment his eyes soften, and for a moment he looks like all he wants to do is turn back time and make this right.

Before his expression hardens, and it leaves Zayn feeling a sudden chill, before he opens the bedroom door and the lights are off in the house now and he sees him nod. 

It’s only then that Zayn feels the hope receding before Liam says quietly 'I'm sleeping on the settee, I’ll book the taxis and I'll confirm our seats, just set your alarm for 5am please' and then without a further glance, the door clicks shut.

It’s only then that it’s like a light has burned out, and there's a hollow feeling like that all night, like he trusted in this, in _their_ right for some happiness, and look how that turned out.

And it’s only at just after 4am that he realises he's not moved all night and it’s only then that he realises that it’s not the fall that kills you, no, it’s the hope.

 **

The hardest part of letting go is saying goodbye, and that's never been truer than how Zayn feels as he hugs Karen, Geoff and everyone.

It’s how he feels when Niall refuses to let Liam and Zayn take a cab to the airport and instead gives them a long appraising look, before he starts the car and attempts ultimately failing to engage even one of them in a conversation that isn't entirely one-sided.

They arrive at the airport just in time, and Liam gives Niall a perfunctory kind of hug and Niall looks crushed for all of about five seconds before he throws himself at Zayn, and Zayn feels the same bolt of emotion that Niall apparently does and he wants to talk to Niall forever, wants to find out what the fuck went wrong even though he knows Niall doesn't know what went even happened last night.

But he can't and Liam's terse 'We're going to miss the flight' makes Niall sigh and swear under his breath but loud enough for Zayn to hear as they pull apart and so he takes his bag from Niall's boot and then he's following Liam into the terminal building before he hears 'Wait a minute Zayn'

And Niall's there in front of him, and he's holding out a piece of paper.  'Keep in touch man' and he gestures in the direction of Liam 'and keep an eye on him please?'

Zayn has to fight the urge to say 'no fuck that' and instead the words 'Consider it done' come out.

He doesn't believe the words, and he suspects Niall doesn't.  But the lie is kinder right now.

They say nothing, literally nothing until they're on the approach into Heathrow.

'I'll explain more when we get home, in a few days’ He says it apologetically.  'I'm sorry'

Zayn hates sorries.  He fucking hates sorries more than anything else in the world.

He hates sorries especially when they come from people, no, not people, one person who he never expected to be hurt by, who he never wanted to allow himself to be hurt by, who he was happy, relatively, to be quietly, miserably, unaccountably and inescapably in love with from a distance.

He hates them because all it does is prove how wrong he was and he hates that, and he wants to say that but he doesn't.

Instead he stays quiet right up till the moment they're next in the taxi queue.

'I know now why you never asked why I said yes'  he opens the door and throws in his bag, but as Liam goes to do the same, he holds up his hand and shuts the door slightly shaking his head.

'I said I know now why you never asked why I said yes, and that's fine Liam, I get it now, you never cared'

He thinks he hears Liam make some kind of sound.  He thinks he hears Liam say something but he blocks it out, he gets into the cab and he tries to ignore the trembling in his hands, and the way he can imagine Liam's hand in his own, and the feel of his skin on his fingertips and he ignores the moisture on his cheeks, he runs a finger over the ring, the cheap fake engagement ring, and he should fling it out the window, but he doesn’t.  He just drops his hand onto his lip.

And he just blocks it all out. Cos it’s safest.   Just like it always was.

**

For precisely 5 minutes after Zayn walks in the office the day after they land, Liam kids himself that everything will return to normal.

But as he observes him out the window of his office, watches as he talks to the others in his bank of desks, sees as they all laugh and Zayn laughs with them but then casts an eye towards his office, and their eyes meet for a fraction of second.  The moment when his eyes dart away, and the smile dies on his lips and the laugh stops. Dies in his throat.   That's when he knows that nothing can be the same again.

And it’s his fault.

He stares down at his hands, willing them not to shake but it doesn't work, he taps at his computer, tries to get engrossed in what he's doing, writing reports, arguing the toss about budgets but his brain, his heart maybe, it’s all too stubborn and it keeps him glancing towards Zayn.

Until Zayn gets up, and walks away, and he feels relief almost and he doesn't know what to do with his emotions or the thoughts that enter his head, and he should go and run, because running's always been an escape but then that thought brings back memories of going running at lunchtime in the past, and coming back tired and dripping with sweat, heading for a shower and then walking into his office.

And Zayn would be there, but not just Zayn, there'd be some water, and a hand, or both on his shoulders working out the kinks, the stress, and the knots. 

And shit, well it hits like a ton of bricks for a moment, and there's those words that play around in his head, that haunt him.

'You never asked me why I said yes'

They're the first thing he thought of this morning and the last thing he thought of last night.   They're there with him all the time, because he doesn’t even need to ask, not really, he knows.

So running's out of the question and thinking, remembering too, but one thing isn't so he stands up, pulls the blinds across, and he shuts the door, and it’s the first time he's done that when it's just him, in who knows how long.  Maybe the first time, but it soothes him.

If soothing's possible that is, as the walls go up and the ice cold feeling in his stomach settles, as though it’s there for good.

Perhaps it is. 

**

He remains there for the rest of the day, closing himself off, takes no calls, and ignores the texts on his phone from his Mum, from Niall.

No one disturbs him.   If he stays like this he can kid himself. 

It gets darker outside, and he turns on the desk lamp and he props up his head up with one hand, no longer bothering with the emails on the computer, he just stares at the photo on the desk, his family in one picture, just mum and dad, Roo and Nic and then in the other are his niece and nephew and his sisters’ fellas. 

He feels a twinge of something, like he always does when he looks at these pics. The twinge that meant that when he took that call from his Mum and he looked at that pic, it set him on the path to where he is now.

So he sighs, and he picks up the photo frame and he places it face down so he can't see it.

He knows it’s not healthy, but he doesn't care.  

There's a soft knock on the door that interrupts his thoughts and he lifts his head up, dropping his hand and responds with a 'Come in' though its croaky from the lack of speaking today so he repeats it more clearly.

It’s Zayn.  He stays by the door and doesn't look at Liam.

'We've got the presentation tomorrow, just wondered if you wanted to go through it'

If Liam had a half a brain, if Liam had any intelligence, no not intelligence, common sense remaining, he'd tell Zayn to come in, he'd tell him to sit down, he'd talk to him and he'd explain that all he is right now is confused.

And that all the behaviour since Ben fucking Bishop spotted him, is easily explained.   Except given he can't quite figure it out himself he knows that's a lie, but he could try at least.  He could try and salvage what it isn't entirely lost right now.

Instead he stares at his hands, shakes his head and says 'No, no sense in too much practice’ and then he looks at the clock on the wall, sees it's just after 7.30.

'You should go home'  He says it softly, to his own voice he even sounds a little concerned, and he can feel Zayn's eyes on him, but he refuses to look up.

He schools his voice into something a whole lot less concerned.  'We need you on top form tomorrow, I don't need you yawning your way through the presentation'

It works and he looks up just in time to see Zayn shake his head and drag the door behind him, and it slams, and Liam winces.

He stands up after a few seconds and walks to the blinds and he decides he doesn't care if Zayn sees him as he peeks through, but Zayn isn't looking he's picking up his bag, and he's sweeping a hand through his hair, and he doesn't spare a glance back as he walks away, and out of sight.

The way he sees it, he has a choice right now, go home, go to bed, stare at his phone all night, and lie there with his eyes shut, trying to forget where he was just a couple of nights ago, feeling that hand on his chest, or he stays here, he's got a change of clothes,  force of habit.  Good planning or something.  

And he can work, and he can prep for the presentation and he can do his best at pretending, pretending what could be out there for him, what walked out that door just a couple of minutes ago, isn't everything he's ever wanted. 

It's an easy choice, he turns away from the blinds, takes his sweater off, sits back in the office chair and he reads, he reads until his eyes are dizzy, and till his thoughts are only consumed by things that don't come hand in hand with the L or the H word. 

He reads till he falls asleep.   Till the dreams are anything but pleasant but they're a whole lot better than this new reality at least.

**

'Liam'  'Payno' he feels fingers dig into his arms, and he shrugs them off and grumbles, attempting to bat the fingers away, till he opens his eyes.

The first thing he sees is the sun shining through the window, the second thing he sees is that the door is wide open, and the blinds are open and the last thing he sees is the disapproving face of Andy.

He's stood there, arms folded.   Hair slicked back and in a blue suit, with striped shirt, and a dark blue tie, shaking his head at Liam.

'You're a mess mate, did you sleep here last night?'

Liam sits up straighter in the chair, and stretches out his muscles, the ache in his neck worsening as he tries to turn his head and he winces.

'Sleep's the wrong word for it’ he replies. 

'Well, its 7.45am mate and they're due in the next hour so I suggest you look lively, go take a shower, and make yourself look half decent again'

He holds out the bag that Liam always leaves there, with the change of clothes and Liam just hopes it’s smart enough for the day ahead.

Liam takes it from him, and mutters his thanks, and walks out the office and into the main room, there's already a decent amount of people in the room, no Zayn yet, but some of the support staff including Louisa are there and she offers a smile as he passes by.

'You look like you need a tea, and maybe a croissant?' 

He nods gratefully and she smiles, touching his arm lightly before she disappears in the direction of the lifts and upstairs to the staff canteen.

He makes his way to the shower room and locks the door behind him, and strips quickly, placing the bag on the table just outside the cubicle, pulling out the shower gel before he slips into the shower, turning the tap to cold.  It's always been a habit, a tradition to have the cold shower, to wake his brain up when he's got a big day ahead. 

And it's never failed him yet.  Of course having people like Zayn around helps, but whenever he's had a bad time before, or been worried, the shower always clears his head.

But he has a feeling that this time it’s different, and as he rinses off the shower gel, and then steps out the cubicle and dries himself off with the towel, the hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach, and the image of _his_ face every time he shuts his eyes confirms that feeling.

He quickly puts on his suit, it’s a grey one he's had for ages, with a black tie, pink pocket square and pink socks, he splashes on some cologne before he runs his fingers through his hair with some gel at the end, and neatens it before he pulls out the toothbrush and toothpaste and brushes his teeth.

While he does it, he tries to put thoughts of Zayn out of his head, and he puts all his thoughts into the day ahead, of the figures he has to remember, the designs they're going to show and how he's going to have to pretend that it’s all okay.  And he's done it a million times before so it should work, right?  

Right?

Of course that all goes out the window as he leaves the shower room and walks out into the corridor and collides with Zayn.   Zayn who’s also wearing a grey suit, and a black polo neck, with a spotted pocket square, Zayn who wears a necklace, with a ring hanging from it, t _he_ ring.

Zayn who looks him up and down, but it’s without any warmth at all, and it’s with a sigh that he says 'Sorry Zayn' who shrugs back at him and mutters 'Whatever'.

As he walks back to his office, walking slowly behind Zayn who speeds up,, trying to avoid looking at him, and as Louisa stands at the door smiling brightly, holding up a bag and the disposable cup, he takes them off her, with a muted 'thanks', tossing the bag on the ground and slumps into the chair behind his desk, his appetite gone, he wonders how he'll ever get through this day, never mind beyond that.

**

**_3 hours later_ **

It goes about as well as Liam imagines how it is watching a car crash happen in slow motion, and he wants to hit rewind from the moment they get in there.

The only blessing is that they've worked with these people before, they're aware of their work and they're under no illusions of how good Liam and his team, particularly Zayn are so this today, is pretty much a dotting of the I's and a crossing of the T’s.  

But it still didn't need the tension, it still didn't need the way the easy back and forth is no longer there between Liam and Zayn, the way that Liam stumbles over his words, the way that when he looks at Zayn to back him up, this time he doesn't step in immediately or offer a warm smile, or give all the encouragement in the world to Liam even if it’s just with his eyes.

There's a hesitation, a narrowing of the eyes, and there's all too many moments when instead of agreeing with what Liam says, he contradicts him and it’s not in a way that jeopardises anything, not seriously, its subtle almost and actually Liam thinks he's the only one who notices, well maybe Andy does, and he catches Paul raising his eyebrows heavenwards at one point, because it's something that's not happened before and Liam only now truly realises how much he'd come to rely on him.

And he feels unsettled, disquieted and off his game, and the moment when they ask a question about figures, about the cost of the designs and when Liam stumbles over the figure and casts a glance towards Zayn which he hopes conveys a massive 'help me' Zayn taps at the table with his fingers, says nothing and there's this awkward silence.

The client looks between them both and Liam's torn between distress and a sudden onset of cold fury, to the point where he's shaking, and he knows that if he doesn't handle this, doesn't deal with it, they're screwed and what was meant to be this box ticking exercise could turn everything he's built, everything they've built for fucks sake on its head, so with the barely controlled fury bubbling under he jerks his head in the direction of the corridor.

He can't deny he's mildly surprised that Zayn actually follows him, and continues to follow him as Liam quickens the pace down the corridor and finds an empty meeting room which he opens and then as Zayn walks in, Liam slams it shut behind him.

'What the fucking hell do you think you're doing in there, you arsehole?'

He's in Zayn's face but he doesn't flinch, instead Zayn just deftly moves out of his way and to the other end of the room where he perches on the edge of the table.

'I don't know what you're talking about Liam, we're doing our jobs, you're the man with the figures, and I’m the design man’ He shrugs. It’s infuriating.

'That's never happened before, not in all these years and you know it Zayn, are you seriously telling me you're putting this at risk, everything at risk because I didn't ask you one fucking lousy question, are you telling me you're that petty, that ridiculous?'

His voice rises, and the worst thing is he can hear it trembling which means Zayn can too.  He can feel the emotion in every part of him and it’s coming out of as anger, and he's scared because he knows that you say things you can't take back in anger, but he can't stop it.

'This last weekend and everything that led up to it was always a business deal, something that I could make sure was reflected in your CV, as something else'  

Zayn shakes his head and mutters something under his breath.

'What, listen if you've got something to say, say it to my face you tosser rather than muttering it under your breath'

Zayn stands up then, and moves closer to Liam until he places his hand on the door.

He turns to face Liam and says it quietly, without any of the anger Liam's feeling but there's a tremble in his voice as well which may just be out of anger, may be out of something else, something that he knows is at the root of what he's feeling himself.

'I'm not the one who said I love you so don't turn this back on me just because _you're_ a fucking coward, and the weirdest thing is I never figured you for one, of all the things I had you figured for that was the last thing I thought’ he shakes his head, and Liam thinks Zayn being disappointed is probably a million times worse than anger.

'Tell Andy to give the figures, I've had enough’ and he walks through the door, Liam following him.

'You what, you mean you're walking out on this deal?' and anger is the only thing that he can rely on right now, even though it’s the only thing he shouldn't rely on and really all he should be doing is begging Zayn to stay.

But the words spill out of his mouth before he can stop them.  'You don't go back in that meeting room with me now, you can forget about coming back in for the rest of this week, you're suspended' 

Zayn's shoulders slump, just for a moment, and Liam wants to pull those words back, find Marty McFly and that time machine and take himself back to last week, but he can't and Zayn turns back for a moment, shrugs, and says quietly.

'Suits me Mr Payne'.

Liam turns away, feels the words as though they were a kick in his stomach instead and then he turns back, watches him, memorises him as he disappears out of sight, and then with a sigh and with effort that's harder than climbing Everest he figures, he plasters on a smile and walks down the corridor again, opening the meeting room door, and he does what he does best, has always done best.

He pretends.

**

'Thank you Mr Taylor, no we really appreciate it' he listens to the voice on the other end and he smiles at the praise.

'Yeah I'll make sure to tell him, and yeah he's incredible, we'd be lost without him'  He looks out his office window, at the empty desk, towards where the subject of Mr Taylor's praise should be right now but he isn't.  Hasn't been since the day before yesterday. And that’s on no one else but Liam alone.

'Okay, that's a date, Bye Mr Taylor'   He puts the phone down. 

5 more years secured, and yes they've got other customers but Taylor and Sons have always been their biggest ones, their most valuable ones.

He pushes the chair back with his feet and stands up, straightening his tie and walks out into the main office, and claps his hands together clearing his throat.

Everyone turns towards him.  'I'm not going to delay it, that was Mr Taylor, we've got the contract, it’s all confirmed'

There's an outburst of cheering and clapping and he makes his way over to Louisa, shaking hands with everyone he passes along the way.

'Go to the supermarket, get lots of celebratory snacks and some champagne and beers or whatever' he reaches into his wallet and pulls out several notes.

'Can I take Andy with me?' she asks and Andy's there by her side within a moment.

'Yeah course'  They grin and Andy slaps Liam's back and murmurs 'Congrats mate' before they walk towards the lift, and they probably think no one notices, but Liam sees Andy's hand slip into Louisa's just as they step into the lift.

And well, not for the first time, he wonders how much he's missed.

He walks back to his office, shaking more hands, and then sits on the settee in the corner of the office.  He pulls out his phone, he's got a load of calls he needs to make, including to the MD, and yet there's just one person he wants to call, wants to share the news with, and he starts typing out a text, but he keeps pressing the back button, literally anything he types seems either too formal, or too friendly, like none of this last week or so happened.

And he keeps doing that for 10, 20 minutes till he loses track and then Louisa and Andy are back and they call him to come and join them and he says he'll be there in a minute, but the minutes turn into hours, and the noise fades and he makes phone calls, he tells the MD and he musters up enough enthusiasm in his voice to not make his boss suspicious he thinks.

Still, he doesn't text Zayn, and it’s only then that he remembers that his mum had texted him, Niall had texted him.   But he can't bring himself to look properly, never mind respond.

This is all feels too familiar he thinks, and he's faced with a thought that reminds him too much of a time before 3 years ago,  when all that was his life was here, and okay that didn't change much because still what's all of his life is here but its someone, not something.

But that thought, that kind of thought is dangerous, too much and it’s a thought he can't face right now.   He looks at his watch, it’s just after 7pm and he could stay here the night again, but he could do with going for a run, and he hasn't got a change of clothes and he's been alternating for a couple of days now and by tomorrow he's pretty sure the suits could walk around on their own and he's also sure the MD wouldn’t appreciate him walking around in unwashed clothes.

So he picks up the bag with his other suit in, and he turns off his computer and he turns the light off in the office and walks to the lift, studiously ignoring and refusing to look at where Zayn's desk is.

He keeps on walking, and he remembers to forget, till he remembers all over again.

**

The lights are on his house when he comes back from his 6 mile run, and he doubts himself. perhaps he left them on but it had been light when he left earlier and there would be no reason to leave them on, and it’s not as though he tends to use his lights unless its pitch black outside anyway.

He feels in the pockets of his tracksuit bottoms for something he can use as a weapon but then again if it’s some criminal, they're a pretty shit criminal putting all the lights on so what does that leave him with?

A poltergeist who likes lights?  Unlikely.  

And err, well that's it.   That or the cat from next door has snuck in and has added turning on lights to its ever growing repertoire of talents along with stealing any food he leaves out.

As he opens the door, he clenches one fist, but then the sound of the TV, and the smell of a woman's perfume fills the air, and then he's got an armful of one Ruth Payne.

'Li Li’ she says it into his ear, well says is being polite, she shouts it into his ear, and then pulls away and holds him at arm’s length, appraising him.

'I missed you' she says and she smiles and pulls him towards the settee, and he spies a plant in the corner, and flowers in a vase, all the signs that make it seem like she's been there for days, not 30 minutes if that.

'It’s been less than a week Roo’ he replies as she drags him down next to her and folds her legs underneath her facing her brother.

'Still allowed to miss you baby bro' She smiles and giggles as she pinches at his cheek and he wonders why everyone he loves seems to do that when they see him for the first time in days.

He's preoccupied with another question though 'What are you doing here sis?'

'Well, if you ever bothered looking at, never mind replying to mum's texts you'd have seen that I've got a conference for hotel managers in London tomorrow so thought I'd come see my little brother’ she stops then and the smile drops 'And I also fancied spending some more time with his fiancé but all I found so far was congealed food on plates that don't look like they've been washed for over a week, and a bachelor pad that looks even more unlived in than ever'

And well, busted!

Except for a moment, and that's all he has, a moment, he considers a lie, considers saying that he's living with Zayn and just came back to pick up his stuff,  and that he'd just so happened to decide to go for a run beforehand, and he thinks that maybe he can just about get away with it.

‘I-'

The hand on his arm stops him, and as he looks at her, as her eyes, her face, they’re not not warm, it’s not the familiar warmth he's used to from his sister, it’s something else, concern warring with whatever other thoughts are running through her head.

'Don't lie to me Liam, because quite apart from anything else, you've always been shit at it, and I'm tired from working all day and then travelling, and I just want to know what's going on, did he hate us, did he break up with you cos we were too much?'

He didn't think it could get worse, and he wonders if there's a threshold for self-hate, a point at which you can't hate yourself anymore, but he guesses not because every second that goes by teaches him that he _can_ despise himself more, despise what he's done.

There are limits though, and this is his limit.  The fact that he can't allow anyone in his family to think that this is on them, but while he knows that, he thinks to himself, at what cost?  

How do you tell someone something, how do you tell them something that proves that nothing has changed in your life and that it was a lie from the start, how do you tell someone, your blood, that you're a massive fuck up and a failure and that as a result of that lie, someone you'd got used to having in your life is now gone so it’s like a double fuck up.

How do you do that?  And how do you live with yourself for doing that.

'We aren't engaged, he's a work colleague' 

Just like that.   Well just like that, if she was a robot, and he could get as far away from here as possible right now to avoid what's coming next.

She blinks, and she repeats his words.  And then she stands up, and she walks over to her case and picks up her coat, and pulls her arms into it and she doesn't look at him and it’s like twice in 2 days that he's had someone he loves walk out on him and he can't, he just can't let this happen.

And 2 people who he loves?  Really Liam?  Now? 

Somehow he manages to put that thought out of his brain and as she fiddles with her phone, he picks up the case and faces her.

'What the hell Liam, give me back my case'

Liam shakes his head.  'Not until you let me explain'

She sighs.  'I haven't got time for games, I'm exhausted and I'm fucking confused and so angry with you and I just don't get you Liam, so no, no explanations'

'Where are you going to go?'

'I'll find somewhere, now give me back my case'

'Let me come with you at least, Dad'll kill me if I let you wander round London on your own, or stay and you can ignore me and you can never talk to me again, but I just want you to stay'

She says nothing for a moment and then she shakes her head, pulls one arm out of her coat, and then the other and then mutters loud enough that Liam can hear, is meant to hear.

'Stupid baby brothers with stupidly big brown eyes, and stupid souls and hearts and sad faces that I can't be too mad at for long even when they deserve it' 

And then she moves back to the settee and pats the space next to her, and it’s like the weekend just gone except there's no comfort, just failure.  On his part.

'I want the truth, all of it Liam' 

He figures he owes her that at least so he sets her case down, and then walks back over and he opens his mouth, but she puts her finger on his mouth to silence him. 

'Wait a minute, I've got a bottle of wine in the case, I think I'm going to need it' as she stands up and walks to the case and then grabs 2 glasses from the cupboard above the sink and then returns to sit next to him again.

'And I think you will too'

The truth falls from him, slowly, haltingly but there's something missing, and that's why, why he did it, because he can't explain it, he can give it a go, he can give the explanation he gave Zayn, but he realises it’s not enough, and not to his sister, it gives the impression of shifting blame and Liam is a lot of things, especially right now, but a coward isn't one of them,

And yet, there's a voice inside his head that says 'are you sure?' even at that thought, because everything he's done since that moment in Wolverhampton, in the taxi office says different.

Ruth asks all the right questions, and she does it in that oh so careful way, and it's the hand on his arm again, and then the hand which moves up to cup his cheek this time, gentle, like he's fragile.  And perhaps it’s time to admit that he is.  

Because if he isn't fragile, then what's the explanation for this?  What's his excuse?  

When he stops talking, and when the questions run out, and when the wine bottle runs dry, he should feel relief.

But he doesn't.  Instead what feels like the tendrils of a cold hand creep across his stomach again and he shivers, and there's an arm that wraps around him and Ruth murmurs 'It’s going to be okay'

He has to bite down the 'How do you know?' that's on the tip of his tongue, and he only does so by biting his tongue, so hard that he can feel the coppery taste as he draws blood.

She looks at her watch. 'God its ten past 1, and I have to be up in 5 hours' 

'You going to tell Mum?'  

She shakes her head.  'No, that's on you Liam and you know it is' 

She pats his knee 'But I'll be there with you, you don't have to do this alone'

She stands up then and gives him a kiss on the cheek. 'Goodnight Liam'

He says it softly.  'I'm sorry' 

The kiss on the top of his head tells him what he doesn't deserve, what he isn't entitled to right now, that he's forgiven.

It's that feeling, that feeling of hate and that he's not told the whole story, even though he's told her what his brain allows him to accept, that keeps him up all night that has him going over those words in his head, couldn't sleep even if he wanted to, even if he thought he deserved to. 

And he stays like that, doesn't even move, and that's how Ruth finds him. 

He hears the 'Oh Liam’ and he feels the kiss on his head again, and then the sound of dishes being stacked in the dishwasher and then he smells the toast, and hears the kettle being clicked on and then she puts the plate on his lap and a mug of tea on the coffee table in front of him, and she turns on the TV and he's grateful for the noise, for any distraction.

And then she's gone from his side, and he smells her perfume and he looks up at her, and she's applying her make up in the mirror and she smiles at him.

It’s a few minutes later when she sits next to him, takes his hand in hers and then gently and quietly she asks him, the very question he's feared to ask himself, even though he knows the answer.

'Do you love him?'

Every part of him resists the urge, his tongue feels thick in his mouth which prevents the words, thankfully, and he thinks that's it, and he thinks he can shake his head, and he thinks he can manage that lie.

It's brief and it’s barely perceptible but he feels it, and he knows she sees it as his head moves up and down, and it’s all the confirmation he knew anyway.  It’s the confirmation of those words he said in the pub, those words he knows Zayn heard, those words that Zayn threw back at him, and those words he spoke of his, of their 'proposal’

That fact he's been ignoring for years.  The worst thing is that it doesn't feel like a relief, even though this is it, the truth, all he feels right now is the realisation that despite this, nothing's changed except it has. Because at least before, in that limbo, he still had Zayn there. 

And yes, next week Zayn will be back but it's never going to be like it was before, it’ll never be the same.

He had a love, correction he has a love and now it’s gone forever.  And maybe, it’s okay to let the tears fall, just for now, for a love that never got the chance to grow.

She stays for a while longer, long enough that she can coax him into the shower, long enough that she coaxes him into a suit, long enough that he's almost ready to leave but she has to go first and he orders a cab for her which he'll pay for because it’s the least he can do.

And long enough that she holds his hand one final time, this trip anyway.  'Don't give up, you're amazing and you deserve this, and I know what you're like and you don't believe you do, but you do, no one more than you  deserves to feel that love Liam so please don't give up'

He wants to say that's easier said than done, and he wants to say that he doesn't deserve it, because he's had the best life a man of his age can have already, even if that doesn't include all consuming love, he's had boyfriends, he's had amazing sex, so what if it’s his lot to just not have that one final thing?  He figures that when he's old and grey, and when he looks back at his life, he'll still be grateful, and if that weekend was his shot at something then that's okay too. 

'Okay I promise'

He's the best liar in the universe he thinks.

**

**_10 days later_ **

For the first few days after Zayn returns to work, things seem more normal, more like how they used to be, they interact in meetings, and sometimes he feels himself smiling at something Liam says.

Sometimes he feels the urge to bark back a sarcastic comment at something patronising Andy says about Liam whether it’s in front of him or not.

The trouble is that each time he's about to do that, something stops him, and it’s not about one question that Liam didn't ask, its more the realisation that all he was was a tool, something to be used to make things easier for Liam.

There was never anything else.  And when he said those words in the pub, he was pissed, they both were, and he doesn't allow himself to think that well, Liam had 2 halves of lager and that doesn't really count as being enough for getting pissed.

There's literally no sense in kidding himself into believing it meant anything more to Liam ever.

So he shuts himself down, he avoids him, he doesn't talk to Liam and every single social event where Liam is, he doesn't go and he's cutting his nose off to spite his face, cause those were always his favourite things, but maybe that was all because of Liam.

He's not just willing to take that risk.   The time away from the office did one good thing though, well three.  1.  He spent time with Louis and Harry that he hadn't spent in a long time, 2. He went home to his family and immersed himself in their love so it didn't matter how loving Liam's family was, because he had that love just for him in Bradford so he couldn't miss something he always had anyway.

And 3?  Well, 3 is why he stands up, picks up the envelope and walks towards Liam's office and he's on the phone but Zayn sees the surprised expression on his face and the unmistakeable brightening in his eyes for just a moment before he schools his face into a more neutral expression.

And Zayn hesitates for the first time since he got the phone call, and he almost turns around but he doesn't, because one moment isn't enough and he has this chance and it's as exciting as it is scary so he knocks on the door and says quietly 'Can I have a word?'

Liam nods, gesturing to the seat on the other side of his desk, but Zayn stays where he is, and says to whoever's on the other end 'Listen I'll call you back later' before he places the phone down on the desk. 

Hi Zayn' he says and he smiles, he actually smiles at him, and way to make it hard Liam.

But Zayn doesn't respond, he's got no interest in making this easier, no interest in feeling Liam's eagerness, when everything else in the last 10 days and before then when he'd been sent home, no, more like literally from the moment he walked out of that taxi office in Wolverhampton, everything had been off, and worse than off, it had been like they'd been strangers, and that's why he's here.

He hands over the letter wordlessly, and then walks back to the door, leans against it and does everything he can to avoid looking at Liam.

He hears the sound of the envelope ripping open, and he hears the sound of Liam straightening the piece of paper.  He even hears the slight intake of breath.

'Are you serious?' 

He hears that too, and he nods and then simply says 'Yes' and then before Liam can stop him, and before he can let other thoughts take over and the sudden urge to say 'No you fucker I want to stay'  he thinks back to the speech he's embedded on his brain.

'It’s in America so it’s not strictly speaking a competitor but I'll take gardening leave just to make it less awkward and if I'm not entitled to gardening leave then I'll just leave and we'll forget any pay'

'No' Liam says it quietly then louder he repeats it 'No, you can't'

'I can Liam, I will, I am' 

'You're just giving up, just because of that one thing' Liam sounds lost, and it’s a sound and a tone he's never heard from Liam and it pulls at him, but its combined with an anger because he isn't giving up, he's doing this for them, for him.

For his sanity, for Liam's sanity before they drag everyone down with them.

'Liam, I need to move on and you need to move on, this IS for the best'

'I can give you a pay rise, I can move you to another team, you can work from home, you name it Zayn, anything that keeps you here, you're needed, this place can't go on without you and what you bring'

He's floundering and there's something that stares Zayn in the face as he says it, but he can't deal with it, he's come too far, too entrenched in this decision and nothing's changed anyway.

'I'm leaving Liam, this is my last day and I'm leaving'

'But you can’t’ Liam says it but it’s like he knows he's lost the fight, and Zayn well Zayn isn't a bastard and nor is Liam and while this may be something that he wishes it hadn't come to, he can't leave like this.

'This place will carry on without me and so will you and in a few years, we'll see each other at some conference, and you'll be loved up and I'll be loved up, maybe even have kids and I'll have an annoying American twang to my accent but it'll always be me and...' He trails off because there's so much more he can say, promises he can make, things he can confess but it’s all empty, and it’s all hollow and it’s all just too late.

'Good luck babe'   He turns away and walks out the door, till a hand on his arm stops him.

'Why Zayn, why did you say yes?'

Zayn raises his eyes heavenwards, because of course he'd ask it now, and mean it and he wants to hate him for it, but he can never hate him.   And he wants to tell him why, though he suspects they both know why already.

But he can't, he just can't and so he shrugs his arm away and then he walks away and he walks to his desk and he casts a glance up at Liam, who's staring down at the hand that was just on Zayn's arm.

And he walks out.  Right out of Liam's life.  Just like that.

**

Except it’s not 'just like that' and he skips out on a leaving do with his old workmates because he can't be there and pretend he's happy and pretend that it’s okay for Liam not to be invited.

He feels this ache in him, and there's a part of him that's excited, because moving to the US and working in the gaming industry as a designer over there is everything he ever dreamed of.

Just not like this.   He resents the fact he feels guilty.   He resents all this when he was quite happy meandering along, admiring Liam from close quarters, but able to work with him, able to enjoy time with him.

And he gets the sense it was mutual.   And then it all went wrong, and it wasn't his doing, it was all Liam.  And yet _he_ said yes, even when everything told him not to, he still said it, out of some selfish desire to spend more time with him, some notion that in spending time with him, a miracle would happen and it did, it seemed like it did till the wheels fell off and here he sits.

Alone, boxes piled next to him, ready to be filled and he wonders if there's a box that's large enough to fill the space that feels like it can never be filled unless Liam's there, unless he's got Liam's compliments ringing in his ears, or watching as Liam turns a room round from surly indifference to avid admiration.

He's got used to having him there, a sort of ever present in his life and the reason why he did the 12 hour days.

And this?  This new job, these boxes, they're the only way he can pretend it never happened, to leave everyone behind , to leave his family behind just so he can live without the memories at every corner near where he works and when he looks at each design, in every shop.

He has to remind himself who's the coward right now, who's the one that's running away.

In all this, when he shuts his eyes, he sees Liam, and the look of shock, of disbelief as he stared at his hand, and as Zayn walked away. 

He can run away, but he can't abandon him, he can't let him be abandoned and Liam's always taken things to heart, always been a mess when anyone leaves, takes it personally somehow, he'd always said that his work mates, the people in his division were like a family, and it wasn't just words, he backed up with his deeds, even with Zayn.

Maybe things have gone wrong but he can't deny that Liam was something different, and he owes it to him, when he needs it, he owes him this.

So he goes and searches in his bag, the bag he hasn’t looked in since he came back from Liam's parents.  And he finds the slip of paper in the small zip up pocket in the front of the bag.

He types out the number on his phone and he dials it, as he does he absently plays with the necklace and the ring that still hangs from it.

'Hello' comes the voice on the other end. 

'Niall? It’s Zayn'

**

The first bit of luck in all this in days, no, weeks came as Niall told Zayn he was down south and that he could meet Zayn tomorrow.

Zayn sits outside the Slug and Lettuce pub just by the entrance and exit of Fulham Broadway tube station waiting for Niall at 2pm the next day, he’d warned him he could be a bit late as he was off for a meeting at Chelsea FC just round the corner from the station.

He glances at his watch and sees its twenty past 2 when he hears a 'I'm so sorry I’m late bro' and then before he can react or even stand up a pair of arms embrace him and he smiles into Niall's embrace.

He forgot how good he was at hugs.  Eventually Niall pulls away and they stare at each other, the brunette hair's gone now and replaced with blond, and it suits him, makes his blue eyes even more alive, and there's a hint of a tan about him.

'You been away?'

'Yeah mate, took in Malaga on the golf courses for a few days so can't help but get a tan, well on my legs, my face and all those places but I've got far too many white bits' 

He laughs and Zayn can't help it, he laughs with him and that's another thing he forgot, how easy it is all is with Niall. 

'You fancy a drink or summat to eat?' says Niall and Zayn stands up.

'I'm starving actually, and not really a big daytime drinker if that's okay?'

Niall beams 'Of course it is buddy, now there's a great little cafe round the corner does the best all day breakfasts and then loads of fancy food to boot, that sound okay?'

'Yeah sounds perfect' 

'Cool, and you can tell me all about what's going down when we get there'

15 minutes later and they're sat by the window of the cafe, its quiet after the lunchtime rush and it’s just them and then a couple of young mothers with babies in their prams on the other side of the cafe in the corner.

They order their food, an Irish breakfast for Niall and a lasagne for Zayn, and their drinks come just after they place the order.

Zayn sips at the home made lemonade when Niall starts talking.

'Listen, whatever this is, I know it’s about Liam, and I don't know if you figured out that I'd sussed out you weren't really engaged'

'I didn't know it officially but I'm not surprised’ He takes a sip of his tea and Niall's quiet so Zayn takes that as his cue to carry on.

So he takes one more sip.  

'That night in the pub, I thought I misheard him, but when we finished singing, he said he loved me, and then he took me on a tour of Wolverhampton'

Niall chuckles. 'Fuck he takes his dates to all the best places, Jesus Payno'

Zayn smiles.  'No it was great, it was cool, it was Liam as I'd never seen him, god that whole weekend was as I'd never seen him, he was relaxed, he was completely at ease, he was secure cos he was with people who knew him, who loved him and he showed me where he was brought up'

'With the bunny curtains?' 

Zayn nods 'except they weren't there anymore and he actually seemed a bit sad' 

'They were the sole reason that Liam brought any dates back to my house rather than this own, not even kidding’ He smiles at the memory before he stops himself ‘Anyway sorry you were saying'

'It was all going fine until we realised it was late and I was cold and so we went to the taxi office and we ordered a cab and I went to sit down and then some fella, Ben something, recognised Liam and it was like the walls went up like that'

Niall's expression darkens.  'This Ben lad, got curly dyed blond hair, and the sort of face you'd never tire of smacking?'

 Zayn laughs despite himself.  'That's him, why?'

He eyes Zayn then, and it’s as though he's weighing up whether to tell him whatever it is.   

'He made Liam's life a misery at school.  Liam was a chubby kid, add to that that he identified early on as liking other lads and he was on a hiding to nothing where that fucker and his cronies were concerned, then one summer Liam discovered boxing and everything changed'

'Except it didn't'  finishes Zayn 'cos that's when everything changed, the Liam from the night before, god from minutes before disappeared in front of my eyes and the Liam that I'd known for so long vanished, and instead was this cold Liam, this Liam that I couldn't stand to be with, this Liam that didn't see how I fit into it all, and we fell out,  in work, and I walked out or he sent me home, and I did a lot of thinking'

He stares at his hands, and he looks out the window, the rain's falling now and he realises how much he'll miss this, not that it doesn't rain in America, but there's a special kind of pleasure in Londoners in the rain, the UK in the rain, and the smell of the air in the rain and fuck knows why he's getting nostalgic now.

'Zayn?'  Niall says it softly, encouragingly.

'I thought about how I couldn't carry on like that, and how it wasn't fair on either of us to carry on like that, and so I returned a call I had months ago that I'd dismissed but for some reason I'd kept the number, it was for some Head-hunters for a firm in the US, and I did a Skype interview and they offered me the job and I'm moving there, this time next week I'll be living in America'

'Shit Zayn, well congratulations'  Niall pours the milk into his tea and stirs it and he's just about to start speaking again when the server comes over and places Zayn's curry down and Niall's Irish breakfast and then moves away before coming back quickly with soda bread to go with the breakfast.

'I mean congratulations to you man, but why tell me?'

Zayn toys with the chicken in the curry, and he realises he doesn't feel hungry so he sets the fork down.

'Liam'

At the mention of his name, Niall's shoulders drop and he sighs and the fork with the piece of sausage is set down onto the plate.

'He didn't take it well I'm guessing'

'That's an understatement and I was out last night and bumped into some of the lads I worked with, and apparently he hadn't been home since I told him, and that's not exactly new but I dunno, listen I should hate the way it was left, and I want to forget him, I want to forget all this and I want to scream at him for not thinking of me when he came up with this hare brained plan in the first place but how can you hate someone like Liam?'

'Or is it how can you hate someone that you love?'  Niall asks it quietly.

He wants to deny it, and the word 'No' sits on the tip of his tongue, and he wants to spit out the word and grab a megaphone and say 'No' till he's blue in the face.

But instead he finds his head moving up and down, and it’s like a feeling of release, of relief that he's finally admitted it. 

'I first saw Liam a year before I applied for a job there, he was at some recruitment fair I was at, he was wheeled out by them as some rising star and no wonder, cos he could sell anything to anyone, and I didn't speak to him at all, I just listened as he talked to people and he was as patient with the first person as he was the last'

'And then a job came up, via an agency and they didn't even say who it was with till the day before and I did some company research and it didn't gel until I looked at the website and there was this face that I could draw with my eyes closed even then, and it’s a good job I didn’t know it was him doing the interviewing, cos I would've bottled it more than I did when I tipped the drawings onto the table and spilled the water, and then it went on from there, and we became inseparable almost,  we could finish each other's sent-'

'Sentences, yes I know, I had this exact same conversation with Liam that weekend, except everything you said or you're about to say came from my mouth, how you look at each other in a way that isn't platonic,  how the way you sing each other’s praises like it comes so naturally to you, and how fucking bull-headed you both are and Jesus you're crossing an Atlantic to get away from the man you love,  except I added that bit on just now just for good measure'

He lifts up the fork and bites a piece of the sausage off and then pulls his face as he mutters 'it’s gone cold' and then he puts the fork down pushing the plate out the way, waving dismissively at Zayn as he mutters 'Sorry'.

'Would it kill you to be honest with each other?'

Zayn shrugs 'I was with a guy for 2 years, and that was everything until it wasn't, until he told me I wasn't enough for him and he ran off with my best mate from Uni but it was fine, and I never thought I'd like someone like that again, but Liam was better than that, IS better than that, and he's too good for someone like me, and it just could never work'

Niall says if softly.  'But you'll never know until you try and the only way to erase the shit that's happened in the past is to take on each challenge with a new pair of eyes, and to look at Liam with a new pair of eyes and see that perhaps he is worth it, but that you're worth it too mate - I mean, I've only known you for what one weekend and then 2 conversations since and if I wasn't completely not attracted to anyone, I'd be running off into the sunset with you in a heartbeat so you can put that thought our your head straight away.'

'How'd the fuck you get to be so wise?' 

'Liam said that too, but I guess you both can't ignore genius when it’s staring you in the face' He smiles before his face becomes serious again.

'Listen Zayn, you know what you need to do for you, and if that means finding your fortune in the US, then good luck to you, cos you'll smash it, but if you get out there and you smash it, but still there's something missing, promise me this, that you'll come back here and you'll look for that someone missing, and I'll tell you exactly where that someone is and if you still don't see what the potential is for you, I'll flaming well bash your heads  together repeatedly until you do'

'Cos violence is the key to true love'

'Well if all else fails then maybe that's the only solution' Niall grins.

‘And you'll look after Liam'  He realises that there's nothing more important to him than that, and it hits him like a ton of bricks, the need to know that someone, anyone, but preferably someone that knows Liam, will make sure he doesn't self-destruct. 

 'Of course, just wondering who'll look after you?' 

 Zayn shakes his head.  'Don't need it mate, I'm fine on my own'

 'I hope you're better at lying to yourself than you are to me Zayn, for your sake'  

There's nothing he can say to that because they both know that's not true, but it’s a lie that Niall goes along with for Zayn's sake and he's never appreciated someone so quickly before in his life.

They finish their drinks, pay for their uneaten food and then they walk back round the corner to the tube station.

'I've got to head back to the ground, got a chance of a job haven't I, and if I get it, it means I can stay closer to keep an eye on Liam'

'He's lucky to have you in his corner Niall' 

'You only have to ask Zayn, and I'll be in your corner too, just don't give up on this completely, the things you said that weekend, the things he said, and everything else I saw, it may have been a fake engagement but the way I see it the only thing that's fake about you two now is the way you're denying your feelings'

He can't argue with that, he won't, there's no arguing with truth so instead he pulls him in for a hug and he whispers his thanks and says into his ear 'Come visit me when I’m settled in over there'

As Niall pulls away he says softly 'Wild horses wouldn't keep me away'

And then he's turning round and he's waving and Zayn watches him go before he looks at his watch and realises the district line train's due in a couple of minutes and he sticks his ticket in the machine and walks through the barrier when he hears a voice behind him so he turns.

'Oh Zayn, Adh mor ort!' 

'Eh?'

'Its good luck in Gaelic'   and then he blows a kiss and he's gone, leaving Zayn to repeat the words and for the first time in days, he smiles.

**

Liam makes it home to his place that weekend, long enough to change his clothes, and pick up a bag with enough clothes for the week, and then without turning on the TV or checking his messages or mail, he heads back to the office.

And that's where Andy finds him on the Monday morning, asleep on the settee in the office, with the duvet he brought from home over him.

He has what feels like a permanent crick in his neck lately, to go with whatever that feeling is in his stomach.

The feeling that he gets whenever he looks out the window towards the empty desk.   HR have been on his case, about replacing the vacant position and Andy's told him in no uncertain terms that they badly need a new designer but he refuses to do it, it’s like the moment the advert goes on the company website, it'll be an admission that he's gone.

And it’s not healthy, and he knows it’s not, and he has to get used to it, he knows he does.  Especially if he's not prepared to do anything about it, and he isn't. 

He's been ignoring Niall's calls since the end of last week and on Saturday, he had a text off Roo saying Niall was in town and he wanted to see him and he fired one back figuring he can't ignore her at least for now, not if he wants to keep the secret, not if he wants to avoid her telling his Mum, so he replied and said he was busy.

And then he turned the phone off for the rest of the weekend, and he worked and he worked and he re-ordered things in folders on the team drive until he re-ordered them back to their original place, not just once but twice, he did all his shredding of documents going back 3 years until he overloaded the shredder and realised no one was around to empty it so he couldn't do anymore.

Then when he couldn't sleep at 4am on Sunday morning, he'd found himself sat at Zayn's desk, looking through the pile of post-it notes at the doodles he'd drawn on them, and reading the day by day calendar which he'd scribbled over and for the first time that weekend, that week, in too long he'd smiled.

As he stands up and turns round and Andy’s there, with Louisa at his side before he comes into the office with a bag and what smell likes coffee, and he wants to protest that he hates coffee, but she says firmly.

‘You need _something_ to make you look human’

He doesn’t need a mirror to tell him that she’s spot on, that he’s a mess so he dutifully sips on the coffee and half-heartedly chews at the pain au chocolat and he half listens as Andy talks about the meetings they’ve got on today but his mind drifts away and his eyes focus on the desk outside until Andy leaves and he barely acknowledges it, and he doesn’t know what this feeling is, it’s not something he’s felt before,  he just knows he feels out of kilter, and as he switches his gaze from Zayn’s desk to the clock, and sees its 10am already somehow, he has this feeling like he’s running out of time, and he can’t figure out why.

He does nothing but sit and doodle at his desk for the next however long, on a pile of post it notes, he draws a snake, and a tiger and it doesn’t even register, not initially until it’s like a kick in his stomach and he can only think of an early morning when the moon shone through a window, and it feels like another lifetime, it may as well be so he screws up the paper and aims it towards the bin.

‘Good shot Liam, you’ve got team meeting in 5’  Louisa smiles at him from the office door as he glances up and murmurs ‘Okay’

He can do this, he’s acted like everything’s fine for his entire life so he doesn’t quite get why he’s feeling like this, why he feels off balance but he breathes through it, and he pulls the pad out from his desk, and he stands up and he takes a deep breath, because he can do it, it’s not that hard.

He should write a book ‘Lies and more lies - the story of my life by Liam James Payne’ he figures.  A wise man once said ‘fake it till you make it’ and so he does.  

**

The meeting starts off fine, well after a fashion, and he even finds himself getting back into things and planning events with the team for next year, and talking about priorities for the coming month, and he loves his team, his division, he still can’t believe that he, a lad from Wolverhampton, a lad who didn’t do that great in school, who spent the early part of his life daydreaming is here and so he should just get on with his life really.

Of course fate has a funny way of fucking up that thought process almost immediately.

Andy’s halfway through his update, when he invites George from HR to talk about staffing. George who’s about Liam’s age but dresses like he’s 40.

George who clears his throat nervously and talks in general terms about issues and the new staff discounts that have been implemented. George who glances nervously at Andy, and then at Liam but then drops his gaze and why does Liam suddenly feel like he’s about to be blindsided.

‘And we’ve been able to advertise 1 new position just this morning, just before I left, the agency are excellent and we should be able to replace Zayn within the week’

George doesn’t look up, doesn’t meet his gaze and as Liam looks at Andy, he’s looking elsewhere, they all are and for a moment Liam think he’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay.

But add that the chapter in the book which will be entitled ‘Lies I could never even attempt to keep up’

‘What did I say to you Andy?’  He tries to keep his breathing under control, tries to keep the fury out of his voice and he succeeds after a fashion the first time round but there’s a sharp intake of breath, and then he’s telling people to go.

‘Except you Andy’ 

George gives Andy a sympathetic smile, but it’s combined with a look of sheer relief that he’s not been asked to stay, and from somewhere Liam feels the urge to be cruel, to get him to stay, because no you fucking didn’t George, you didn’t, you couldn’t.  But Liam’s not a cruel man, he never has been, just stupid apparently so he lets him go.

He can’t bring himself to look at Andy. Andy who he’s known for years.  Andy who he thought was on his side, this man who he knows is ambitious but he’s backed him up enough times that he thought he could rely on him.

‘I told you not to do this, and you went behind my back, you didn’t even attempt to persuade me’

Andy sighs. ‘Come on Liam, you weren’t in any fit state to say anything, to make that choice, you’ve got a      permanent erection when it comes to that man, and since you drove him out of here because you can’t admit to those feelings, either someone does it, someone replaces him and we have a shot at getting back to full strength, or we die with you, and I’m sorry mate, we’ve all done th-

‘You did not just say that about me and my feelings toward Zayn, tell me you didn’t’ He spits the words out, he can barely control his breathing.

‘That you have a permanent erection for Malik? It’s true Liam so why would I take it back’

And that’s when he snaps.  That’s when he yells.  That’s when he’s in Andy’s face and jabbing his finger into his chest spitting out the words, unable to control them.

‘You, you fucker, all you ever wanted was to get this job, all you’ve ever tried to worm your way into was that office, my office,  well forget it, you’re a piece of shit and Louisa doesn’t give a shit about you either all she wants is your dick and your name so she can worm her way up the ladder too,  you ain’t shit, you’re scum, you’re all  lying betraying scum, couldn’t wait to find a way to make sure that the man i love doesn’t come back to this place, well fuck you’

A hand, Andy’s hand is on his arm, and he jerks away, he knows what he’s said and he wants to forget it, and he wants to run out the lift and disappear because he knows the entire office heard that, or if they didn’t, they soon will.

Andy’s voice is soft, and the arm is there, that arm that every person seems to think he needs cos he’s so fucking fragile apparently.  Except he is, he is right now.

‘Liam, the only person who’s fucked this up is you’

He’s always wondered what it feels like to have the bottom drop out of your world but the point is that that happened in this same meeting room just last week, not today, that happened the moment Ben Bishop completed the job he’d started when Liam was 17 and single-handedly screwed up something tangible, something of promise for the second time in Liam’s life.

And he trembles, and he feels himself lowering to the floor and he feels his back against the wall, and he feels himself shaking harder, and he distantly hears a voice, and that hand on his arm again.

‘Get out’ he spits it out, but his voice sounds weak and shaky to his own ears, and he shuts his eyes as he hears the door shut, and then he draws his knees up and then he rests his hands on his knees and his head on his hands and he cries.   Like he hasn’t cried in years.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there for, but eventually the tears subside but he keeps his head on his hands, and he prays even though he doesn’t really believe in anything at all, he prays that this can be like the movies and he can wake up and this hasn’t happened. 

But instead he stays there, right until he hears the creak of the door and he mumbles tiredly.  ‘Go away’

And the door shuts but then he’s aware of feet in front of him and then a body lowers next to him, and then there’s a hand that gently touches the back of his head.

‘Can’t do that Liam but if you don’t want to talk then I’ll just sit right here’

‘Niall…what?’ He lifts his head up then and casts a small glance to his best mate, his best mate who doesn’t remove his hand from his head, his best mate who looks at him like he’s made of glass, and he’s right, because he thinks he’s about to break, or maybe it’s too late and he’s broken already.

‘You haven’t answered my calls, you haven’t answered Ruth’s calls and when you hadn’t answered your mum’s or your dad’s calls then I figured if the mountain won’t come then I had to go to the mountain’ 

'Sorry' is all Liam can say in response.

'Shut up Liam, you're allowed to have a meltdown once in your life, and remember all those times you've been there for me when times have been so fucking hard, and you've sorted me out so shut up, you've been stoic all your life about things that you shouldn't have needed to be stoic about and here you are so let us support you'.

It sounds so easy, and yet it’s not and he doesn't know or understand why Niall's so calm, why Niall's so kind and he's wrong because Liam had that meltdown when he was 17 or maybe he imagined that.

And apparently he said that out loud.

'You didn't imagine that Liam, but fucking hell, we've all been emo as kids, I'm talking about the last few years when you've been my rock and the fact that cos of all that happened and Dad heading home, and the fact I can't go home, not easily without it dragging up years of shit, and pain, and without you I wouldn't have the family I do, without you I wouldn't have a place to go, or somewhere that it IS like my home, so please allow me to help you, please trust me enough to let me help you'.

Liam shrugs.  'I don't know'

He doesn't, he feels like he's up a mountain, up Everest, and he's almost at the summit but it’s like he's run out of oxygen, run out of energy just when he needs it most, just when he needs that final push to take him there.

'What am I doing Niall?'

Niall ruffles the top of his hair when he says that, sighs and then drops the hand away, his other hand remains on Liam's arm though and two fingers circle the point on his arm where they're at, it should be soothing and if it were someone else, two other fingers, he thinks it would be different but instead he shudders and so Niall drops his hand away.

'You're sat on a floor against a wall, with your best mate having had some kind of little whatever you call it, and hopefully you're about to figure some shit out, and then we can go and get blasted...or...' 

He leaves the 'or' unsaid and Liam has a fairly decent idea of what he's talking about.   Niall looks as his watch then and for a moment he looks worried as his jaw tightens.

'Everything okay?'  Liam asks and there it is again, the hand on his arm and Niall nods, not entirely convincing but it has to do for now.

'What's left to figure out though Niall?'  He splays his hands out in front of him, and then picks at one nail on one hand.

'I fucked up, and now we replace Zayn and I know that's what we need to do, but it’s just so final'

'Okay, well that's the work side of things covered but how about you, how about Zayn and how about we figure out how you won't admit to him that you love him, but you'll quite happily yell out the words to Andy'

Liam flushes red.  'You heard?' 

'Mate, I think there's someone in the Outer Hebrides that asked his mate if he heard correctly so yeah I heard'

'I haven't been in love with anyone since school, since the last time in my life that everything felt it was falling into place and everything was good and I had someone that I loved right up till the point he walked away, right up till the point Ben Bishop had placed that little makeshift microphone in my jacket without me knowing and right up to the point that everyone heard the moment Adrian walked away from me, and my life'  

'Right up to the point that I kidded itself it would be fine and it would be yesterday's news and right up to the point I walked into that 6th formers room and there it was on a tape recorder on repeat and right up to the point where I turned around walked out the door and ended up in London'

Niall sighs.  'You do realise that Bishop got bombed out of school for that, and you do realise that no one laughs at you for it, instead if its ever mentioned they always ask how you're doing, you're the local lad done good and you do realise that as soon as people heard about what happened in the taxi office, they wanted to give him a good kicking, till someone pointed out that 'Liam wouldn't want that' like you're Mother Teresa or something, people have never laughed at you Liam'

He stops for a moment, grabs Liam's hand and he grips it hard, a little too hard but it means that Liam focuses on him at least.

'If that's what's been stopping you all these years then shit that's a lot of years wasted, but if that's all that's stopping you from admitting to yourself truly that you love Zayn, and admitting to yourself that you CAN and absolutely are allowed to be happy then please Liam, please understand that no one wants you to be unhappy, aside from some curly headed bleached blond knob head that probably has a semi for you anyway'

Liam smirks ‘No, fuck off not me, I mean you're fit Liam but no, god Jesus I hate you, except ha, I got you smiling so maybe I don't'

'Listen Liam, are you in love with him?'

Liam says nothing, just bites at his lower lip, and then with his free hand he plays with a bobble he finds on the carpet and he shrugs, but then fuck those involuntary head movements, as his head moves up and down.

And he whispers it at first.  'Yeah I think am'

'Of course you are'  Niall makes it sound like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. And it is Liam realises. .

'But it’s too late, I blew it, and all I thought of was me, and I've just got to be happy I guess, happy that I had him in my life and that that weekend was something I can remember when I'm 90, and talking to pigeons that come to my back garden for bread'

Niall scoffs.  'Jesus Christ Liam, why are you so melodramatic, see this is why you and Zayn are perfect for each other, him spouting all kinds of melodramatic BS just last week and then you, now'

Liam's look darts back to Niall.  'You saw Zayn?'

'I did man, he phoned me, and I think it's safe to see you're a pair of idiots ,soppy idiots who belong together but that's none of my business'.

Liam raises his eyebrows at that because he finds that hard to believe, but he wants to know more, he wants to know how Zayn was, he wants to know if he's struggling as hard as he is, and he wants the answer to be no, okay, except there's a part of him that wants to know this is as hard for him as it is for Liam. 

Niall's voice interrupts his thoughts.  'Except it IS my business, it was my business the moment I became your friend, the moment I realised that your happiness mattered to me every bit as much as my own, the moment it dawned on me you're in danger of missing out on something that's staring you in the face'

He glances at his watch then and then drops his hand from Liam's.

'And Liam, if you don't fucking hurry up and come to your senses, you're in danger of missing out altogether on him, unless you fancy stumping up for a flight to the US and then a wild goose chase'

'What?  You mean?'  Liam feels a rising panic 'He's going to America today?'

Niall nods.  'That's actually why I came, that and cos I wanted to make sure you were actually still alive, that and to bollock you for not phoning your Mum back and I haven't even done that yet so consider yourself bollocked, but yeah, the flight's late afternoon'

The way Liam sees it he has a choice, and actually its crystal clear what the choice needs to be, it’s been crystal clear since Andy suggested he ask Zayn, and not him.

And it’s crystal clear that Andy knew.  it’s been crystal clear from the moment Zayn walked into the interview, and smiled apologetically for tipping the drawings onto the table and made some cheesy joke about Marvel comics, and how he saw himself in 5 years’ time, happy, fulfilled and enjoying watching Batman in HD in some cinema room in his own home that he'd paid for with the bonuses and the success he could help Liam bring to the company.

It's been crystal clear to everyone, and he knows now it’s been crystal clear to him, it’s just that he's not been sure it’s what he wanted or deserved, till now, till he's faced with the fact that Zayn's going to get on a plane, and a plane without him.

‘Maybe I should go and talk to him' but before the maybe has finished in his head, he's standing up and his legs almost give away because he's got cramp from being stuck in the same position for so long.

Except he's still scared and so he finds the back of a chair and he leans into it. Because there's a strong chance that Zayn will say no, even if he gets there in time, even if he lets him talk, he could still say no, and where does that leave him?

But then he knows it’s the worst feeling in the world to be crippled by your fear, but as he thinks that, he thinks that perhaps the worst feeling in the world isn't that, it’s the fact that he could wake up tomorrow, wondering what might've been, he could spend the next 20 years or his whole damn lifetime, wondering what may have been, or he can go, and he can tell him, and he can be try and be honest even though he doesn't fully understand what honest means when it comes to Zayn and then he knows at least, even if Zayn walks away, even if he wakes up tomorrow and he's still alone, at least he'll know.

He pulls away from the back of the chair, and Niall's there, smiling at him, the eyes that shine with love and understanding and encouragement and all that Niall's ever offered to him and he realises then that in a way they have all put their lives on hold, they've all been on pause, all been waiting for Liam to wake up and smell whatever it is out there, and he owes it to no one but himself of course but perhaps he owes it to them to listen for once, and so he crosses the short distance, envelops Niall in a hug then releases his hold and gestures towards the biscuits and the sandwiches that still lie on the table.

'Help yourself, I've got something to do'  

And then he opens the door, and he walks down the corridor to the lift, and he sees Andy and he offers a smile, and he knows that's not enough but he has to be elsewhere right now and  he hears Niall shouting 'But its pissing down, and I've got a car you idiot'

And the lift comes and he salutes Niall and he texts him 'I'll run if I have to, I have to do this on my own'

And the message in Gaelic comes back, just three short words.   And he smiles, and he puts his phone back in his pocket and then as the lift pings open and he crosses the reception area and heads outside and its lashing down just like Niall said, he doesn't care, he has one thought in his mind.

**

It’s not like it is in the movies though, and though he knows roughly where Zayn lives and he legs it through the station and down the escalators and he just about makes it onto the train as the doors slide closed, it’s when he sits down he realises he can't remember the exact address.

He needs to text Andy, so he starts typing out some convoluted message apologising but then begging him to give him Zayn's address and he's running up the escalator as he does so and he's running across the ticket hall and waving his Oyster card to the guy checking tickets and then he's running out the door and he's just about to send the message when an alert comes through.

'Flat 1, 16 Courtney Street, apparently it’s just round the corner from the Thai House, good luck man'

He loves Niall Horan okay?  And if all else fails with Zayn, then maybe.  Though he can do without Niall emigrating too, so maybe not.

He sets his location on and then does a search for Courtney Street, and its 10 minutes’ walk away. But he realises that he has no idea what time the flight actually is, and that it could be too late, and all the while as he stands here he's getting more and more drenched, till the drops of rain bounce of his eyelid and onto his mouth as he licks at his lips and stands there, so with a quick scan of the way he has to go and making sure he's committed it to memory, he puts his phone in his pocket and he starts to run.

5 minutes later and he sees the Thai House on the corner, and the sign on the side of the road just round the corner says Courtney Street, and so he starts running down the road and it’s your typical leafy inner London suburban road, old houses from last century, done up and modernised but not losing any of that old charm, there's cars parked all along the side of the road and then tall trees, with flower beds next to them which are freshly watered, then supplemented by this rain and he continues to run even though these shoes aren't designed for running and he can feel the rub on the back of his shoes and the blister that's forming already but he doesn't care. 

He starts at number 212, and then as he speeds up, and as the rain continues to fall down, the numbers decrease till he's at 112, and then he's at 56 and then at 28 and then..

He can see 2 men stood on some steps just outside a house, and there's a car there, no not just a car, it’s a cab he can see now, a mini cab, and one of the men is tall, long shoulder length curly hair, while the man next to him is smaller and he's leaning into the other man, and they're talking to someone, someone that's hidden by the shrubbery until Liam gets closer, and then he sees the smaller man reaching his arms out and hugging someone.

Hugging Zayn and then the smaller man drops his arms from Zayn and then the taller man gives him a hug, and he's nearer now till he's on the opposite side of the road, literally opposite the cab, and he sees Zayn give a small wave to the 2 men who lean into each other and wave back, and then he's picking up the case. Zayn is, and he walks out of the path and the cab driver jumps out and lifts open the boot.

And it’s now or never Liam.

'Thought you could go without saying goodbye?'

For a moment he thinks he just thought those words, and he didn't speak them, right until Zayn who looks around a little confused at the words, finds him, his gaze falls on Liam, and Liam had forgotten what it felt like.

To have his undivided attention on you, to feel that you were worthy of it not that he is this time but still, he's dizzy for a moment.  

'Go home Liam'  Zayn lifts the case into the boot and then nods as if to say 'that's all the luggage I have' and the boot shuts  and the cab driver walks back to the front, opens the door and then gestures for Zayn to get in.

No, now it's now or never, so he walks across the road, not even sparing a glance for any traffic.

'There's a reason I didn't ask you why you said yes, you know' 

Zayn's hand is on the handle to the back of the cab, but he doesn't lift it and he doesn't open the door, but his back remains to Liam, and Liam can see a small sigh.

He edges closer, close enough that he could take one more step and reach out and touch him, but far enough that Zayn won't feel it’s too much.

'It's because I knew, I knew that if I asked, then the reason you said yes, would be the reason I asked in the first place and because I was scared, am still scared'

Zayn turns then, he doesn't look at him, but it’s in his general direction and that's enough, except it’s not.   And he tries to memorise his face, just in case what he says now doesn't cut it, but he can't because he's just wrapped up in panic at what happens if this isn't enough.

'I have to go Liam, the flight's in 4 and a half hours, I have to go' 

'I'll go with you if I have to, I'll go anywhere I need to go if that's what I have to do to make this right, to convince you - I was scared, scared of what what would happen if I admitted that, if I admitted that the last few years have been the best of my life, and that it’s got nothing to do with the salary, or the perks or anything, it's you, you and the way you always manage to get to work late and yet I could never get mad, you and the way when you're designing stuff, your lip curls and your tongue sticks out in concentration and it’s the most precious and wonderful thing in the world, you and the way , it can be just you in the room, and just me and yet you fill it, you fill it with everything that you are, you fill it with this passion and this sense that anything's possible'

He pauses for a moment, and he's staring at the ground, and he doesn't know quite where the rain finishes and where his tears start, but he knows Zayn's there and he can feel him looking at him now even without seeing him, because he doesn't trust himself to look now, instead he carries on, and he stares at the puddle.

'It's you babe, it’s you and the way you made everything feel like it was in its place, the moment you said yes, the moment we set foot on that plane, and the moment it felt like someone had unlocked something, and the fact that you gave me that courage, for those couple of days, it felt like anything was possible, it felt like..'

'You turned your back on me Liam'  Zayn's stood in front of him then having taken a step closer, and Liam looks up,  Zayn's drenched as well now, and he looks cold, but he's the single most beautiful thing that Liam's seen in his life.

And he can't let him go, he won't.

'I did and I regretted it the moment I did, and one day I'll explain to you why, but Zayn, what we have isn't just about that one weekend, I mean I can't be the only to think that, I can't be the only one to realise that these last 3 years, when did we ever spend more than 2 days apart, how often did we spent more than a day apart, how many times did we make some excuse to go and do some research in Hamleys into the latest games, or we’d make up some excuse that we’d have to go out for something to eat so we could talk about anything, just as long as it was us, together and yes maybe I made mistakes, and maybe I could be wrong and this Isn't what I think it is, but are you honestly saying that what you’re doing right now isn’t like what I did to you in Wolverhampton, except this time you're putting an ocean between us'

He drops his head and reaches out blindly then, and he feels his fingertips, and he expects him to jerk away but instead the fingertips touch his, and it gives him hope.

'But let me tell you something Zayn, as long as there are planes, and as long as there are oceans for people to sail on and as long as I have arms and legs that can swim you can try and separate us, but you never will and you can walk away now, but I'll keep coming back, and I'll keep finding you until one day it'll be enough and you'll say it, and I promise you that day will come' 

He hears nothing for a moment, it could be 10 moments, it could be minutes, he doesn't know, and all he hears is rain and the sound of an engine running until...

'You've watched far too many chick flicks babe, I think we need to reset the balance don't you?'

He feels a finger tilt his head upwards till he looks at Zayn then, and Zayn's got this half smile but his eyes are sparkling and he's nodding then, and he's leaning forward and his lips find Liam’s and Liam breathes into the kiss, until Zayn pulls away.

Somewhere clears their throat behind them.

'That's what you call resetting the balance is it Malik?'  The shorter of the men says it teasingly but it’s without any malice and he has this big smile on his face.

'Aah leave 'em Lou, I think it's lovely, our Zaynie's found his lobster'

'Ah fucking hell, between him and watching too many chick flicks and you and your constant Friends references, Zayn can I have your ticket and I'll go to America instead' 

Zayn grins, and turns to face Louis for a moment, before he turns back to Liam and he tilts his head and Liam never realised eyes could say so much, and he lifts his eyebrows, before Zayn does the same and it’s like all those meetings and that unspoken agreement and its back, and Liam's stomach does a somersault of joy, before Zayn turns back to face Louis and he nods. 

'Well someone might as well use the ticket'

And then he turns back to face Liam and he swipes away a tear drop or maybe it’s a raindrop from Liam’s face and Liam doesn't care which and then he kisses him and Liam doesn't let go.

He doesn't think he ever will.


	2. Chapter 2

**_2 years later._ **

Zayn is an idiot.   And yes that was established several years ago, but he’s a total idiot. And a gullible one at that.   Only Liam could get him jogging alone through Painshill Park on a crisp winters evening as the light falls. 

He’s been getting into running regularly over the last year,  and he’s actually pretty good, not Liam standard but the fact that he can run for an hour or two without feeling like he’s going to collapse with a heart attack is something he chalks up to a win.

He took the afternoon off, as they’ve been doing up the new house they bought in the summer, their first home together. Slap bang in suburbia just down the road in Epsom.  One further step down the line to domesticity or their version of it, which usually meant nights in front of the telly watching all the Batman in HD just like Zayn said in his interview all those years ago, or annoying the neighbours with Sing star battles on the PS4.

Liam had a meeting he couldn’t get out of and he promised to cook later, but before then he suggested a run, and he suggested Painshill Park, and they’d run here during the day before, and it’s actually idyllic especially during the day, when the sun’s shining and it’s not a couple of degrees above freezing.

Still it keeps Zayn motivated to keep moving, and he runs through the park, spotting a few people passing by and he does the polite jogger thing and murmurs a quick hello as he passes them.

He glances at the time on his Garmin, and according to the timer and the GPS, he’s about 10 minutes away from where he was due to meet Liam, so he carries on as its not in his interests to stop anyway, and he hopes that actually Liam hasn’t decided to run from the train station and that instead he’s brought the car, but that’s wishful thinking so he carries on and just pretends he’s on some beach somewhere running along rather than being in frozen old England.

Its 8 minutes later when the bleep sounds on his watch and he stops,  he’s still right in the middle of the woods and he can’t see any sign of Liam. There’s no sign of anyone in fact.

All he sees are trees ahead of him, and then there’s the lake, and then just ahead of the lake is what he thinks is the Ruined Abbey and they ran past it once back just after they moved here and he knows the car park isn’t far away but he gave him these coordinates and he doesn’t quite understand why, he pulls out his phone to call Liam but it turns out he’s stuck in a black spot and the single bar that’s showing keeps flashing on and off till it says Emergency Calls only and he wonders whether phoning them to give them warning that he’s about to kill his stupid running mad boyfriend if he doesn’t show up in precisely 1 minute counts as an emergency call,  trouble is stopping still means he gets cold so he keeps walking forwards till he’s closer to the back of the abbey and he holds up the phone again towards the sky when it starts.

He thinks he’s hearing things when the sound of music starts gently, maybe he’s turned on his own music by mistake he thinks, but then as it gets more familiar, he walks forward, and as he does, the abbey becomes bathed in light, and its bathed in golden light, which bounces off the trees, but then there are other colours as he walks closer till he’s at the edge and the shell of the abbey, and he stares up just for a moment, taking it all in and he knows now why he’s here, and his heart’s beating faster but he carries on walking forward and steps forward till he’s in the shell of the abbey and Liam’s there, standing in front of him.

‘You devious bastard’ 

‘Shush Zayn, not in church’ he fires back grinning.

‘We went past here back in the summer and you dismissed it, you were like meh so why?’

'The moment we ran past here, I knew. I came back here the next night, and I had a plan in my mind already and I spoke to some people and well I realised I stuffed it up for myself in more ways than one that weekend at mum and dad’s, because how do you top that?   And also the museum wasn’t available and there _was_ no Marvel     exhibition and yeah I could have gone subtle but I feel like after our start, after where we began, after we pussy footed round to the point where we almost didn’t have this, almost didn’t have any of this, why the hell not, why not shout it from the rooftops and make it the cheesiest thing on record’

‘Liam, you don’t-’

Liam steps forward, until he’s right there in front of him.  ‘Yes I do, because I love you Zayn, I love you babe, and for so long I never thought I deserved you, thought that weekend was as good as it could ever get, and yet here we are and so much can change and all that change is down to you, and so yeah you’d better get used to these displays of love, cos they’re always going to keep coming, and I’m always going to sing about it, and yeah we’ve made that big commitment in that home, in that life we’re planning together but maybe just maybe I want to be able to call you my  husband, I want to be able to look across a room at a party and say ‘oh wait hang on a  minute, there’s my husband, let me introduce you to him’ because every day you make me proud and every day you make me the happiest person alive, and those 3 years we missed out on, we could spend the next 70 years together and I’ll always still want to make up for what we lost’

He reaches into his trouser pocket then, and then he pulls out the ring, and Zayn blinks at it as he holds it, shows it to him, slides it onto his finger, it’s a mirror image of the ring from that weekend, that £20 job that Liam bought at the airport when he thought they needed to make it more authentic, the £20 job that Zayn still wears round his neck on a necklace.

‘This one cost a bit more than twenty quid, but it wouldn’t matter if it was the same one, I just want to marry you Zayn, will you marry me?’

Zayn doesn’t reply, because how do you answer that, since when does Yes live up to what Liam said, demonstrate the depth and meaning of what Liam’s been for him enough. 

So he doesn’t reply, he just pulls Liam’s hand up to his mouth, presses his lips against the finger tips and then still clinging onto his fingers, he pulls him closer and he lets his lips tell Liam all he needs to know.

It stays like that for who knows how long, and Zayn forgets he’s cold.  He’s just too immersed in Liam.  His fiancé.  _His_ fiancé.  And well, shit.

‘Has he said yes or are has he fainted?’  The sound of a familiar voice cuts into the night and interrupts his thoughts and he pulls away, just a litle bit.

‘Mum?’ he says to the air.

‘Can we come out please, we’re freezing our peanuts off here’ comes another voice. 

He’s not even surprised really, as first his mum and then Liam’s mum and then Jack and Laura and his sisters and then everyone dear to them, Louis, Harry and of course Niall come out from wherever they’ve been hiding.

And the girls all coo over his ring, and there’s loud laughter and teasing over Liam’s proposal and the fact that Zayn’s in a pair of jogging bottoms and a tatty old top for this occasion, and Liam’s apologising sheepishly before someone cracks open a bottle of champagne and they’re teasing Yaser for crying and he doesn’t even deny it.

Zayn thinks that if a meteorite struck earth right now, that’s fine, because how can he ever be happier than this, but then he sends a prayer upwards almost immediately afterwards because the thing is as he looks at Liam, takes a sip from the glass, and feels the squeeze on his hand once more, he’s willing to bet they’ve only just started.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to hear your comments and thoughts. Thank you for reading.


End file.
